tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85809499968087160012024-03-13T05:08:17.968-07:00Life, Love and the Loss of our daughter***************************************************************************************
I am creating this nearly 6 months after losing our daughter, Sadie Quinn Baker, to severe preeclampsia & HELLP syndrome at 24 weeks. I've felt so lost and confused through this whole horrible ride we've been on so here I am. I have learned there are many other woman who have unfortunately lost their babies. I post this in hopes to grieve, to heal, and to share our love for our baby girl...Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-75432250788267375262014-07-10T06:26:00.002-07:002014-07-10T06:26:29.150-07:00Fantastic articleI found this article the other day, it's a read, but SO WORTH IT!!!
http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/ten-points-i-wish-every-person-knew-about-the-death-of-a-child/#LwoWrU5mfBVIsmiK.01
Enjoy!Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-19154683604027865082014-07-10T06:15:00.001-07:002014-07-10T06:15:22.351-07:004 years ago....
No year has been easy, but this year sure has been a challenge! So much all at once.
Let's see, I Got bad news regarding our case against the dr who failed to treat me for preeclampsia, (apparently the Justice system is set up to protect criminals and wrongdoers instead of protect the innocent! Justice? What justice?) I am at the beginning of another pregnancy & having a hard time "bonding" with growing baby! I know that may sound strange, but with Sadie & then my son, I was attached the second I knew I was pregnant!! This time, I'm afraid to get attached, I suppose it's timing! With my son, on Sadie's anniversary I was one Minh away from delivery, this time at just a few weeks in. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy, just anxious!!
I wish my son had his big sis to help him in life. To show him the ropes, to motivate him, to play with him, to just be!!! This isn't fair to us, but it sure isn't fair to him! We look at her picture everyday and I tell him about his big sis sadie, it just still hurts!
So here we are, 4 years in, 4 years closer to bring a complete family, 4 years since I held my baby girl, 4 years of not missing a day without heartache & longing to be whole!!
I love & miss her, my sadie!!!Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-67335332716376032862013-07-10T06:58:00.000-07:002013-07-10T06:58:40.761-07:003 yearsMy baby girl would be 3 years old today! Three years!!! Three years!!!!
So sad that I can only imagine what it would be like with her here!
So sad our son does not have his big sister making him laugh, teaching him all the things she has come to know!
So sad our family photos are not complete, are missing our firstborn, our daughter!
Not a day goes by that our hearts don't ache for our baby girl!!
I was recently asked how my life has been effected by the loss of my daughter! How do you answer such a question?? How has my life NOT been effected!?!?!? EVERY single aspect of my, of our lives has been "effected" by my daughters loss!! What a foolish question! (I'll save this rant for a later post)
To my baby girl, I long til the time our family will be complete, til you are in our arms!!!
Three years have passed but that means we are three years closer to being a complete family!!!
Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-8267329167085845762013-07-10T03:45:00.001-07:002013-07-10T03:45:29.614-07:007/10That post was posted today 7/10 not 7/9, silly Blogger!!!Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-56663037074976583532012-07-10T15:15:00.000-07:002012-07-10T15:15:23.397-07:002 years todayI know I have benn absent from the blogger world for a span of time now, I apologize and will explain at a later post!
For today I remember "Sadie Day" as July 10th will forever be called! Two years ago I gave birth to my firstborn, my daughter! Two years ago my baby girl died!
While I will admit to the fact that this Sadie Day is not as hard as last years, it's still hurts! Hurts to depths and degrees I have never known. Time does not heal, it merely affords you the ability to learn to cope.
I read a few posts today from fellow BLM's about this date and what it means for them and to us all I wish peace and hope! Without hope I don't know how I would have gotten from this day two years ago to today! Hope that I will have my baby girl back in my arms someday soon! Hope...
I love you my baby girl!
Mommy hasn't let a day pass without longing for you!!
I love you always and forever...Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-61126976978874666702011-11-17T05:33:00.000-08:002011-11-17T05:34:21.978-08:00Forced Remembering...So, I was flipping through the lovely guide on my tv, and I saw a show, "babys first day"....I know, I know, but I felt compelled to look at what it was about. So I did, and it was about a mom who had a history of pre-eclampsia with her first pregnancy, so they were doing an automatic c-section at 38 weeks. So I decided to watch it! I know! What was I thinking! Watching a show about a mom with pre-eclampsia and c-section?!?!?! WHAT!!!!???<br />
<br />
So I watched it, and I am still trying to decide if it was helpful or harmful!?!<br />
Watching it brought back a FLOOD of memories and emotions! I guess I hadn't really remembered a lot of the surgery or the feeling I had when I knew they had gotten Sadie out, but I heard nothing....no crying, no nothing except the sound of the NICU scurrying around to try to do something to save Sadie.<br />
<br />
Watching it I felt like I was watching me getting the spinal epi, watching me lye on the table, watching me waiting for the epidural to kick in, watching me shaking uncontrollably til the point where they had to tie my arms down to keep my from hitting the surgeon, watching me when the nurse came over while they were working on Sadie asking if I wanted her to be christened, watching me as they told me she didn't make it, watching me as they handed me my baby for the first time, watching me hold my dead baby girl, watching me dazed and confused wondering how I got to this point!<br />
<br />
So watching the show I was crying and crying! Even when they pulled the healthy baby out I cried, in fact I cried even harder because I didn't experience that! I didn't hear my baby girl cry, she didn't get to be put in my arms for comfort, she didn't get to meet everyone, she didn't have her first day...she only had her first minutes!<br />
<br />
So while I think I benefited from a little remembering, it certainly doesn't make it any easier!<br />
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I love you my baby girl, always and foreverBecky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-52284813391441318592011-10-26T09:55:00.000-07:002011-10-26T09:55:35.302-07:00Strange the way things turn out....Yes, there is the obvious "way it turned out"...my baby not being able to leave the hospital and come home like "normal" babies!<br />
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Over the past few months, lots has been going on. I have been in stitches over the impending birth of a new family member. In stitches because it stinks for the obvious reasons most BLM's understand what I'm talking about...<br />
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I was terribly afraid, afraid of how it would make ME and hubby feel. I haven't held a baby since I last held mine in the hospital. I couldn't hold another, I felt a wealth of emotions as to why not. Disloyalty, fear, sadness, desire, anger, physical pain...the list goes on and on. I was in fear of the whole hospital situation for obvious reasons...last time I was in one it didn't go so well!<br />
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So anyway, it happened, baby was born, I hemmed and hawed and once again overcame myself and made it to the hospital, however brief my visit was, the point is I made it there! I walked in and I held that baby!<br />
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Then came the next hurdle baby coming home (yes, the baby lived feet from me). Baby came home, and it was ok. I actually went to hold the baby everyday I could. I realized over the past two weeks baby has been home, it was helpful, it was a kinda therapy for hubby and I to have the baby near and to hold baby, etc. It was great. Even tho we received some real bad news, it didn't seem so bad, we handled it surprisingly well, and I think it is because we had a lil baby so near!<br />
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Well, like all my stories it ends bad for me. Baby and parents moved a few towns away. We were so busy helping them move and prepare the new house, we didn't stop until....until the house was empty and baby was gone and there we were, JUST THE TWO OF US AGAIN! ALL ALONE! BABY GONE! It felt a fraction like saying bye to Sadie. <br />
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I know its silly, they are just a few towns away, but it is what it is, I can't explain in! <br />
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I hate change! I hate loss! I hate it ALL!!!Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-55921942156528549762011-09-22T11:01:00.000-07:002011-09-22T11:01:11.630-07:00Where did my laugh go? and alienation!So last night after the meeting I was at ended, I was sitting there listening to everything around me, and I heard a lot of laughs, which made me think...where did my laugh go? <br />
<br />
Seriously, where did it go? I started thinking and thinking...not only did my laugh disappear, but I don't find things funny like before!<br />
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Im not talking about any old laugh, I am talking about a GENUINE, NON FORCED LAUGH!! We all can "stage" a laugh, but a REAL laugh!? <br />
<br />
So I was asking my husband about this, and he said he felt the same way. He doesn't find things quite so funny either. Things just don't seem as funny anymore to either of us!<br />
<br />
Then we started thinking about times we have laughed over the last 14 1/2 months, and we couldn't recall any that didn't include each other. So yes, we have laughed, but only with each other! Or, yes I have laughed while watching t.v., but thats it! <br />
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I was feeling a lil discouraged at this realization. We went out to a local pub with some friends on the way home after the meeting and it happened....I laughed! A real, true, genuine laugh! It felt SOO good!<br />
<br />
So I come to the conclusion....maybe I did loose some of my laugh, maybe now after going through such trauma and loss and real serious junk, maybe things aren't as "light" as before. I now know darkness, I now have experienced things most people my age have not, and this separates me, this makes things that those who have not experienced what I have think entertaining, seem very trivial!<br />
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This brings me to alienation!<br />
<br />
Someone said to me the other day she felt "so alienated, not being able to help or do anything". This got me thinking and irritated! She feels alienated!?!!??!?! Are you kidding!?!?! How the heck do you think I feel? I feel like I have absolutely NOTHING in common with anyone!!!<br />
<br />
My baby is dead! She had to be abruptly taken from me! She isn't getting to be the happy little beautiful girl she deserves to be! She rests in an urn by my bedside! I may not have another chance at having another baby! I have to live and breathe around babies and pregnant women all the time!!!!<br />
<br />
And you are telling me YOU feel alienated!?!? HELLO!!!! What the heck is wrong with people!!!!!!!!!!!Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-35820513875657743452011-09-17T09:59:00.000-07:002011-09-18T14:05:21.341-07:00It finally happened!!!One year, 2 months and 1 week ago I held my baby girl, held on to her like I never wanted to let her go. Held on to her knowing it was the last time I'd hold her.<br />
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Since that time I've not held any other baby. It wasn't something I thought a lot about, its just something I could not do. (guess it might be due to the fact that I can't get within a few feet of a baby, yeah, that may be a secondary reason as to why I've not held another baby since I had to let go of my own)<br />
<br />
Well, this morning at a friends house it happened....not by choice, it kinda just happened. They have friends staying with them, who have a baby boy who is just a bit younger than Sadie would be. Well, the husband walked in and handed me his son and next thing I knew I was holding on to this baby boy tears streaming down my face. What felt like an eternity later, but was probably only minutes later, the dad took the baby and left (don't think he saw what transpired as I hope I was successful at hiding my tears in my hair). Well, I made a bee line for the bathroom and broke out in hysterical crying and sobbing! <br />
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It was horrible! I didn't like it! Im not glad it happened! I dont feel i accaomplished of overcame anything! I feel like it actually set me back, back to months ago, back, not ahead!! I didnt face anything except the fact im not ever going to forget my baby girl and that time i got to hold and love her! It hurt so bad! Made me feel sick to my stomach! I know many would call it a "release" but I don't know that it was. I don't feel I accomplished anything other than torturing myself! It was so horrible. My Sadie should be a bit older than he, she should be in our arms, she should be here with us!!! It just made me miss her more and made me feel sadder which I don't know how that is even possible!! <br />
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One year, 2 months and 1 week later, I miss you even more my baby girl! Mommy never forgets a thing about you and our brief time together! I love you forever and ever!!Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-11858607394076627772011-08-30T12:28:00.000-07:002011-08-30T18:08:17.609-07:00Kids say the darndest things....So driving with my nephew (he is 6) the other day he asks me "zia, are you ever going to have a baby?". Knife in the heart #1!! <br />
<br />
I say "I do have a baby!"<br />
<br />
He says, "not a cat zia, a baby!". Knife in the heart #2!<br />
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I say, "I do have a real baby, remember her name is Sadie, for now she is safe in Gods memory!"<br />
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He says, "no zia a real baby like H is having!". Knife in the heart #3!!!<br />
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At this point my mother sees I am struggling so very hard so she steps in with some comment about who knows what!!<br />
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Breaks my heart my own nephews don't remember my baby girl! They don't remember anything about her existence!!! <br />
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I know I really shouldn't be surprised, no one (besides me) talks about Sadie, or about what happened to her, it's so sad and maddening because look what has happened...even her own family has forgotten her! What or who is next to forget???<br />
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Not me my baby girl! I will NEVER EVER EVER forget my beautiful precious baby girl!! I love you forever and ever!!<br />
Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-9258682423959038422011-08-23T13:50:00.000-07:002011-08-30T17:57:27.915-07:00Im having a really hard Sadie Day...I am having a real hard today and yesterday with missing my baby girl Sadie!<br />
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I guess it started with a recent task I was given which made me kinda re-live what happened the 4 weeks leading up to Sadies birth and death day, the day my life forever changed, the day all the junk hit the fan!!! (And I'm sure my going through the only pictures I have of Sadie (taken via a phone camera) examining her lil features, noticing everyone was wrong about her mouth, its not my grandmother, (its my husbands side of the family) trying to put all my senses into remembering that last and only time I held my baby girl didn't help! It made me miss her all the more if that's possible!<br />
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I thought I did pretty good, and was feeling emotionally stable! Well that all got flushed down the toilet when out of nowhere I started crying, crying for my baby girl that should be snuggled in my arms, playing with her favorite stuffed animal, and getting all the love we can give! Then today, At work, I balled! Yup, straight up balled for my baby girl, my heart hurts so bad, my arms ache, my stomach is sick, my insides are in pain. I want my baby girl, I want her in our arms. Its not fair she doesn't get the chance to feel mommy and daddy gushing over how perfect she is, she doesn't get to know all the people in her life who love her like mad, she doesn't get to grow up and do all the things little and big girls get to do.<br />
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I am very sad and mad today! Its just so not fair! Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-44832369827905551462011-08-15T12:35:00.000-07:002011-08-15T12:35:36.276-07:00A recent dream!This weekend I had a dream, I was so peaceful and it was so beautiful!<br />
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As you know, we got a kitten, Lola, a few months ago...and we love her, love her like she was a real baby girl!<br />
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Well, I had a dream that I was walking Lola on a string (I know, makes no sense) and she twisted and turned into a baby girl! At first I thought it was Sadie, but it wasn't, it was a baby girl with blonde curly hair (like my husband had when he was young)! She was in a crisp white dress, blonde curly hair, and she was twirling and laughing and I felt happy, so happy and so peaceful! <br />
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It was so strange, but it was so nice! I was sad i hadn't dreamt it was Sadie, but it was so peaceful and happy, I couldn't stop it!<br />
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Now don't worry, I'm not dressing my kitten up like a lil baby girl (though the thought did cross my mind :-) ) Just a dream, ,but it was nice to experience the calm and genuine happiness, no matter how brief it was! Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-69549366117622443392011-08-12T18:26:00.000-07:002011-08-12T18:26:29.196-07:00It happened again...I had to buy another baby gift, this tine I thought would be easier as it could only be ordered online. And so it went, I ordered the crib which was hard in itself as I had finally found the crib we wanted and had planned to order it the week that ended up being the week I spent in a New York hospital after loosing Sadie! So Sadie never got her crib! We never had a crib to set up (or set down for that fact)<br />
<br />
So I ordered the crib and it finally came! The UPS man who delivered it I've known for years, the sweetest man! I can't say for sure if he knows what happened but now I have a feeling he must. The crib weighed a ton and the poor man had to carry it up our big hill in the hot humid heat, i felt so bad for him, it wasnt fair. The is how the conversation went when he delivered the crib to my front door: <br />
me-"I'm so sorry about that I had no idea it was so large, it's a gift and could only be ordered online". UPS man- "it's ok, I was hoping it was for you". Me-"don't I wish" UPS-"I'm so sorry!"<br />
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So yes I guess he knows what happened! <br />
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Once again a Diaster baby purchase! <br />
<br />
Will any baby purchase not be a Diaster??<br />
<br />
Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-70850654231838889232011-07-22T11:36:00.000-07:002011-07-22T11:36:15.990-07:00Becky did a bab bad thing....Yes I took a line from Chris Isaac!!<br />
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Anyway, yup, I did something I shouldn't have! I'll back up...<br />
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So when all horribleness broke out and I was in the hospital in NYC, just lost Sadie, horribleness, just horribleness, my amazing sister-in-law, M, along with 2 of my good friends, J & K, went into our house and emptied Sadies nursery, and my entire house of anything baby! They put it in bins and took it to my in-laws where it's been untouched til now...<br />
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Here's where I did the bad thing! It's been one year, one week and a few days since we lost Sadie and I decided to go into the bin at my in-laws to look for the calendar and journal I kept during my pregnancy for Sadie! I opened the bin and I can't even tell you what I felt! If any of you BLMs have done the same thing I am confident you know what I felt! It was awful, wonderful and tragically sad all at once! It was so wonderful to be near her things again and to remember what it felt like to be happy, excited, and hopeful! it was awful to see the new items that should be worn out and stained by now! It was awful to see the clothes she never got to wear! It was so sad to feel that pain of loosing her all over again and having to say goodbye as I closed it up and put it back, back into storage! Those things shouldn't be in storage, they should be on her, in her nursery, all over the house!<br />
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Who says time heals anyways! I think it must be someone who hasn't felt this loss, someone who has absolutely no clue, no sense of reality! Times doesn't heal, it just makes you miss them all the more and hurt all over again!<br />
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So yes, Becky did a bad bad thing....Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-29137703788743524782011-07-10T05:41:00.000-07:002011-07-10T05:41:40.421-07:00One Year Ago Today...One year ago today our dear Sadie Quinn was born. She lived only a few minutes. <br />
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One year ago today I lay in a hospital bed in disbelief that my baby was taken from me, and now lying in my arms not breathing, her heart not beating, dead!<br />
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One year ago my life changed like I never imagined. Like I never planned it to. I became a mother. A mother to a beautiful and in my eyes, a perfect baby girl. <br />
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There are ones that forget that I am a mother, forget that Sadie lived, forget what happened that horrific day on year ago today. But I will never forget. I will never let go of the life our daughter lived. I will never let her memory fade or her funny ways slip from my heart and mind. <br />
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I have relived every moment of the week leading up to Sadie's birth: The day we finished her nursery. The day we hung her pink baby Red Sox hat. The day I bought her first pair of shoes. My last OB visit. The fear I had when everything started going wrong...not fear for myself, but fear for my baby. The shock of hearing that we had to have a c-section to try to save us. The utter horror of the NICU informing me they couldn't save Sadie. The first time I held her in my arms while they were still operating on me. The last gasp of air she took. The look on my husbands face when I saw him walk into the post-op room. The look of utter despair on his face as he held Sadie the first time. Showing her to my mom, my dad, my brothers, sister and sisters-in-law, and my husbands sister. The last prayer my hisband, Sadie and I shared together as a family. The nurse coming to take Sadie away, for the last time. Picking Sadie up at the funeral home in NYC in her tiny little urn. The long drive home with Sadie between my husband and I, in an urn, not in her car seat as she should have been. <br />
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One year ago today...today July 10th 2011 Sadie would be one year old.<br />
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I miss my baby girl every second of every day. Not a moment goes by that I don't miss or love my Sadie!<br />
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Till I see you again my beautiful, perfect baby girl...mommy and daddy love youBecky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-39995607927042512782011-07-09T11:56:00.000-07:002011-07-09T14:00:34.781-07:00A few questions...?I found myself wondering the following questions today:<br />
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What the heck is wrong with people?<br />
Do people have no care, concern or fellow feelings for other people?<br />
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As I pondered these questions I came to the conclusion that people forget! Bottom line that is my belief, people forget that you had a baby and that baby died after birth! People forget the utter despair that has continued from that day forward! People forget you are still grieving! People forget!<br />
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Well from this day on I am done! I'm done putting myself through torture to pacify everyone else...because I now know it doesn't matter, it'll never be enough! I'm done forgoing my comfort and sanity for people who don't return the respect! No more will I let people walk all over me...I AM DONE!!!!Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-51226285384841863132011-07-05T11:23:00.000-07:002011-07-05T11:25:26.782-07:00This week one year ago...Wow, I didn't expect it to be like this! We never do right...<br />
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Yesterday was July 4th, what was I doing one year ago July 4th? We just finished Sadies nursery! The paint was just finished, Helium pink, no VOC paint, perfect for our precious cargo soon to arrive. Shame was she never got to see her beautiful nursery! <br />
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On the 10th our Sadie would turn one year old! One year! Wow!<br />
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We sat on the beach yesterday, my husband and I, talking about one year ago, how excited we were, newly finished nursery, baby on the way....what a difference a year makes, huh? <br />
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I hate people, I hate what life has given (or not given) us, I hate that Sadie isn't here with us, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!<br />
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I know none of us in the dead baby club looks forward to the anniversary of loosing our baby, but I really am not looking forward to this. One year, one year, one year! How do we get through this??<br />
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Today, doing errands, I drove with the windows wide open, hair flying around like crazy, music playing. I thought how I haven't really let me hair down like that in a while. I really haven't listened to music and enjoyed it. I haven't sang along to the songs. And here I am, just a few days before our Sadie should be turning one, doing all these things I haven't done in years! <br />
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I hope this means I am "getting somewhere", that I am progressing and learning to live with this mess we have been dealt. Learning to live with my heart broken and part of my life gone forever!<br />
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In just a few days, it will be one year ago that we lost our baby girl, our future, our hopes, our dreams, part of our life! One year ago that our lives changed forever.....Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-47028345835830081362011-07-01T04:41:00.000-07:002011-07-01T04:41:44.470-07:00LolaWell, we've done it! <br />
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We got a kitten! A beautiful Maine coon kitten that we've named Lola!<br />
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Holding her on the car ride home I cried! Cried my eyes out! I know she is just a kitten, but she is the closet thing I've held since last holding my baby girl! Lola is 12 weeks, so she is still small! Holding her I flashed back to holding Sadie in the hospital almost one year ago :-(<br />
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We shouldn't be holding a kitten, we should be holding our nearly one year old baby girl!!<br />
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But we aren't, we can't! For now we will long for the time when we can hold her in our arms again!<br />
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We love you Sadie more than words will ever express! You are never off out of our thoughts, never out of out hearts, you are always with us, our baby girl, we miss & love you!!Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-36370387686599464012011-06-16T16:52:00.000-07:002011-06-16T16:55:53.004-07:00The Story...I'm not sure how many of you know this song, but WOW!!! <br />
I feel like she wrote this song for words I cannot express. <br />
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Since losing our daughter I have changed, in so many ways. <br />
Here are some of the physical changes that have overcome me: <br />
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Yes, I have an 8 inch scar across my lower abdomen, but I also have other visible scars, if you looked closely you would see. That day in July when I was overcome with pre-eclampsia, my left eye became black and blue and swelled up! You see, a part of it never went away. If you look closely, you will see I still have a lil black/blue spot just under my left eye, permanent damage, a permanent scar of what happened that day!<br />
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I have aged, yes, gray hairs popping out, worry lines, wrinkles, etc!<br />
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I have also become an actress....no you wont be seeing me in Hollywood, but an actress in my real life story. I smile, I laugh, I carry on conversations about your this and that, but what I really am feeling, what I really am hiding....you don't know! I can't always express! <br />
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A positive occurrence...my husband and I have always been close. We love each other greatly. We do everything together because we love to!! Going thru what we've gone thru has made our relationship even stronger, even deeper! When I thought before we were made for each other, I know we are truly made for each other!! I love him more than words can express, I am grateful for all he has and continues to do for me and for us! <br />
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This brings me to the point of my post...a song...a truly breath-taking song, that I fell describes what I feel so well, and I think it may describe what so many other BLM's feel as well. <br />
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Here is the Link if you have not heard it and wish to, or below the link are the lyrics, so you can read them if you choose!!! <br />
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Enjoy!!<br />
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Link to video of The Story by Brandi Carlile:<br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8pQLtHTPaI"></a><br />
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Lyrics to The Story :<br />
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All of these lines across my face<br />
Tell you the story of who I am<br />
So many stories of where I've been<br />
And how I got to where I am<br />
But these stories don't mean anything<br />
When you've got no one to tell them to<br />
It's true...I was made for you<br />
I climbed across the mountain tops<br />
Swam all across the ocean blue<br />
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules<br />
But baby I broke them all for you<br />
Because even when I was flat broke<br />
You made me feel like a million bucks<br />
You do<br />
I was made for you<br />
You see the smile that's on my mouth<br />
It's hiding the words that don't come out<br />
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed<br />
They don't know my head is a mess<br />
No, they don't know who I really am<br />
And they don't know what<br />
I've been through like you do<br />
And I was made for you...Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-6832120078373932752011-06-11T05:16:00.000-07:002011-06-11T16:24:13.752-07:00What the priest said...Yesterday, I went to a funeral (well it was a Graveside funeral to be exact)! Funerals are hard for me now on a good day, but I felt confident I could handle this one!<br />
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The priest was a very kind, gentle and compassionate man! He had a very nice manner of speaking! However,he said something early on that really upset me! I am not of the same faith as the person who had died, and I'm sure many of you reading this blog have all different sorts of faith, but I think we could all, no matter what our faith is, agree on this point!<br />
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He said, "family, friends let's all take time to remind God about_______(insert person who died name)! Let's in prayer send him reminders of who she was, what she did, etc"<br />
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This made me upset because I can't imagine God, who is all knowing, all powerful, could or even would forget about a person so as to need reminders from us, we who can't remember where left our keys! Hello!!!!! Don't you think God can remember more about people and know more about them than we ever could! I do and that's what helps me get along on this journey of grief, knowing that God remembers my Sadie, that God knew my Sadie more than I did, and that God loves my Sadie and will bring her back to me!<br />
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So sorry for my rant and if you happen to agree with the priest, that we need to remind God, I hope to have not offended you! It wasn't my intent.Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-85577146629600233132011-06-04T18:29:00.000-07:002011-06-04T18:29:30.668-07:00FlashbacksNot sure why, but the last few days I have been having tons of flashbacks, flashbacks to the day Sadie was born and then died (July 10th, 2010th) and the days leading up it it!<br />
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I did this a lot when I got home from the hospital and the months after that, but now they are more frequent and vivid! I stop for a second and I get a flashback! I feel like I am reliving it all over again, but now it's all clearer! I'm living everything all over again, but now in high def! <br />
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This has made me want to remember more details about everything from the hospital! There are still things I am very unclear of, like all the days I was in ICU, I have heard stories of different things that happened, but I remember none of it, I want to, I want to know everything that happened!<br />
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I used to cry myself to sleep that I could/would not remember what Sadie looked like or felt like, but I now know, 11 months after I last held her, I haven't forgotten what she looked like! I remember my baby girl, I remember! Now I pray I continue to rememeber! I do forget what she felt like, I want t remember that, but I can't find it! I want to remember what she smelt like, but I can't remember that either! I want to, I wan to so badly!<br />
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Will I always flashback to what happened, to that day my baby had to be taken from me??Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-44775647001674327102011-05-20T05:44:00.000-07:002011-05-20T06:13:20.612-07:00Babies Babies Everywhere!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-S1U3WXdn8vQ/TdZo6Ww6i1I/AAAAAAAAAFg/eNyO4m3NmsQ/s1600/photo%25289%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="320" width="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-S1U3WXdn8vQ/TdZo6Ww6i1I/AAAAAAAAAFg/eNyO4m3NmsQ/s320/photo%25289%2529.JPG" /></a></div><br />
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Ok, having one of those "what the heck" moments!<br />
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Everywhere I turn, there is another pregnant person somewhere! Literally <b>everyone</b> is pregnant, <b>everyone,</b> even characters on tv are are busting out pregnant! <b>Everyone, everywhere is pregnant, everyone but me!!<br />
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I know, this is a very "woe is me post", but really! What the heck! Why not? Am I not deserving? Am I not worth it? Am I not fit? Am I not what????? Why I am having to put on the "congrats" face while all I want to do is explode and cry! <br />
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Its so frustrating! They tell me "think about it less", Oh sure, you try loosing a baby, then TTC and then try thinking about it less! C'mon!!!!! Get real! How could I not care, how do you turn off your burning, aching desire? HOW????<br />
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Why can't I just breathe pregnant like everybody else! Why can't there be some magic fix! Ergh!! I hate this!!!<br />
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Babies babies everywhere...except with me!!!Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-69674475722378308562011-05-14T19:41:00.000-07:002011-05-14T19:41:31.898-07:00My heart is broken....Have you ever wished the weekend would end? NO? Neither had I til this weekend!<br />
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Its been a particularly heart wrenching weekend. We started it out on Friday, my poor husband running into someone who brings particular heartbreak and bad memories up. Then he came home and we went to my nieces ballet recital. I should have thought that one out, but I didn't, I didn't even think at all, I just signed us both up to go!<br />
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It was torturous! Lil girls, lil baby girls, pregnant women galore! It was SOO IN OUR FACE! We both literally ran out of there after her part! IT was all we could do to get out of there in tact!<br />
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Next, today, we were babysitting, and my husband loves to play with my niece, and she loves him to pieces and totally works him! She ended up with a boo-boo and my husband picked her up and calmed her and got her to stop crying, and laugh! I was crying! I am still crying writing this! It is so unfair! He is the best daddy, and it is beyond words unfair that his baby girl, our baby girl is not here! She is not with us! I don't get it! How? Why? We would be, we are amazing parents, why are we robbed the life of our baby girl!?<br />
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What gives!?!??!?!!??!!?<br />
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SO yes, I am hoping this weekend ends! I am scared for what tomorrow will bring, how much more can we take???Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-65213108155210901592011-05-10T17:16:00.000-07:002011-05-10T18:31:41.575-07:00Isn't It Ironic?!So, at a recent therapy appointment we were discussing the "elephant in the room" (both literally and symbolically)<br />
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No one wants to point out the elephant in the room, so everyone skirts around it, totally avoiding it. But what we don't realize is by not talking about the elephant in the room we are actually bringing more attention to it...In fact, its not being skirted or avoided, its only growing and growing and growing!<br />
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So this is what we discussed in therapy!<br />
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The other day I was sitting at the dinner table with my sister and brother-in-law, and my brother-in-law courageously decided to point out the elephant in the room and started asking me questions about Sadie, etc.<br />
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It was great, he had questions, I got to share, it was great! We even discussed the whole "elephant in the room" theory! And this is where it gets good...<br />
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My niece, whom I love more than words can convey, she is my connection to my Sadie (my niece and Sadie would have been 2 years and 9 months apart just like my sister and I. My niece is what made us want to have a baby of our own. My niece has her uncle and aunt's heart!) So my niece, walks through the room with a tool box (yes a tool box, a plastic one, but its a took box) She climbs up next to me and proceeds to open the tool box and what were the only 2 items inside...<br />
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A BABY & AN ELEPHANT!! We all laughed like our heads off...talk about irony! She whips out the elephant and the baby and gives them both to me to hold!<br />
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Hows that for irony?Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8580949996808716001.post-56372655370452147032011-05-05T07:57:00.000-07:002011-05-05T07:57:21.960-07:00Faces of Loss Faces of HopeJust a quick congrats to Kristen at Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope!<br />
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What a great article that was in the paper (page 2) yesterday, May 4th! What a great job she has done at making people aware and connecting those of is in this community of Baby Loss, so we can share and know we are not loosing our minds!<br />
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Many people have brought the article to my attention, which I think is yet another wonderful way of keeping communication open. <br />
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So thank you to Kristen and thank you to all you BLM who put yourselves out here on your blog, sharing your feelings and encouragement! <br />
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If you haven't checked out Kristens website, click on my button to the right and enjoy!!<br />
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Congrats Kristen!!Becky Bakerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13256332821580235682noreply@blogger.com0