Isn't It Ironic?!

So, at a recent therapy appointment we were discussing the "elephant in the room" (both literally and symbolically)

No one wants to point out the elephant in the room, so everyone skirts around it, totally avoiding it. But what we don't realize is by not talking about the elephant in the room we are actually bringing more attention to it...In fact, its not being skirted or avoided, its only growing and growing and growing!

So this is what we discussed in therapy!

The other day I was sitting at the dinner table with my sister and brother-in-law, and my brother-in-law courageously decided to point out the elephant in the room and started asking me questions about Sadie, etc.

It was great, he had questions, I got to share, it was great! We even discussed the whole "elephant in the room" theory! And this is where it gets good...

My niece, whom I love more than words can convey, she is my connection to my Sadie (my niece and Sadie would have been 2 years and 9 months apart just like my sister and I. My niece is what made us want to have a baby of our own. My niece has her uncle and aunt's heart!) So my niece, walks through the room with a tool box (yes a tool box, a plastic one, but its a took box) She climbs up next to me and proceeds to open the tool box and what were the only 2 items inside...

A BABY & AN ELEPHANT!! We all laughed like our heads off...talk about irony! She whips out the elephant and the baby and gives them both to me to hold!

Hows that for irony?

Faces of Loss Faces of Hope

Just a quick congrats to Kristen at Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope!

What a great article that was in the paper (page 2) yesterday, May 4th! What a great job she has done at making people aware and connecting those of is in this community of Baby Loss, so we can share and know we are not loosing our minds!

Many people have brought the article to my attention, which I think is yet another wonderful way of keeping communication open.

So thank you to Kristen and thank you to all you BLM who put yourselves out here on your blog, sharing your feelings and encouragement!

If you haven't checked out Kristens website, click on my button to the right and enjoy!!

Congrats Kristen!!

How to Disconnect!?

Disconnecting.... Disconnecting from things around you that cause you pain, stress, etc.

How do you do it? I need to disconnect from certain aspects of things around me, but I don't know how! How do you disconnect from people you love?

I'm not talking about a permanent disconnect or even a total disconnect, I'm talking about a disconnect from certain circumstances. How do I do this?

Why disconnect? Because being connected to these certain circumstances causes me anger, sadness, anxiety! Because these certain things I need to disconnect from may cause me not to be able to have peace and calm! And I need peace and calm so I can see a rainbow!!

So I ask you, while apologizing for being so vague, how do you disconnect? How have YOU been able to disconnect from the world around you so YOU could have sone peace and calm?

Any suggestions????

9 Months and 2 weeks later....

Here we are, 9 months and 2 weeks after our Sadie came into the world and then left it! We are just now able to hang a family picture on our wall. Its all we have, the quality is very poor, but we were not expecting to have a family picture taken when we did and certainly not under the circumstances we did. All we had was an old i-phone (the picture quality was bad in the older i-phones)!

My husband hung it! It hangs by our bed so we both can look over and see our baby girl! So precious and perfect! Her life too short!

This is what it looks like on our wall, this is our family!!

This is the original picture:

We love you baby girl, miss you every second of every day!!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Blog Hop # 3

Hope #3...

I'm feeling like hope is there, unfortunately its dangling on a string in front of me and I can't quite reach it!

I know this blog hop is about being positive, so I will muster up what I can...

Can I call my husband a miracle? A blessing? A source of hope? He is. All that and more! He is so amazing. He tirelessly cares for me, watches out for me, makes sure of everything. He is incredible! I don't know what I would do without him. He is the love of my life! I know its because he has gone through this all with me, but he's even more amazing. I love him, love him more than words can express. For him, I am eternally grateful and appreciative of. I pray I can care and love him as he has me!

As for hope, I guess seeing the trees start to bud, the magnolias on the very of bursting open, the daffodils, hyacinths, forsythias, crocus, that have all come out, this makes me think of hope, or new growth, new seasons and new possibilities!

So here I hold on to hope! Hoping maybe with the coming of the new season we will finally reach out and be able to grab that hope dangling in front of us and see it grow into something of its own....

Here's to hoping!!!

Thank you!!!!

I know I could have written this is my comments under my last post, but I felt it needed it's own post...

THANK YOU TO ALL MY BLOG BLM's!!!!!!!

I was so thankful for all your kind words, ecouragement, support and understanding!
It means so so so much to me to be able to share how I am feeling and then hear all your kind words! It means so much to read your thoughts on your own blogs, it's nice to know people understand!!
I just want to make sure you all know how grateful I am for all your thoughtfulness!!
I'm sorry for all of our losses, but thankful we can sound off to each other!!
Thank you again with all my heart!!

Is it a "stage"??

So, I've been told about, I've read about, I thought I'd experienced it,but here I am again....ANGER!!

I know its part of the grieving process, but I thought I went through anger already! How am I here again! No, I take it back, I am there again, but wow, so much more intense!

I'm angry, (thats the kindest way I can put it, angry!) I am so very very angry, angry at EVERYTHING! I will put it in order:

I'm angry that my baby girl isn't alive, she isn't having her first anything...she is in a tiny urn sitting next to my bed! How is that fair?! She should be in our arms, she should be showered with hugs and kisses and all sorts of attention! But there she lies, in that lil urn...She should be alive, she should be breathing, laughing, smiling, crying.....

I'm angry that I feel like my husband and I are the only ones that remember her! Ok, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, you remember her! TALK ABOUT HER!!!! She is all I think about!! EVERY second of every day she is on my mind! Yes, you are afraid to make me sad so you don't breathe her name, but I am already sad! YOU wont make it worse by talking about her! Yes, its nearly been 9 months, but it was like yesterday to me! You not mentioning her doesn't mean I am not thinking about her, because I am, CONSTANTLY!!!

I'm angry at life, its not fair, its not just! We tried for so long to get pregnant, then we got pregnant and we were thrilled with every second we had with Sadie, then she was taken away from us! HOW IS THIS FAIR!??? Yet others just breath in and POOF pregnant, POOF baby crying in their arms! HOW IS THIS FAIR??? What have we done???

I'm angry, angry as angry can be....

I guess grief isn't really a process, its a wheel!! We come back to certain spots, just because we have experienced it before doesn't mean we wont again I guess!!

Sorry for my negativity, but maybe you understand, or not?!?!?!?!?