Wow, I didn't expect it to be like this! We never do right...
Yesterday was July 4th, what was I doing one year ago July 4th? We just finished Sadies nursery! The paint was just finished, Helium pink, no VOC paint, perfect for our precious cargo soon to arrive. Shame was she never got to see her beautiful nursery!
On the 10th our Sadie would turn one year old! One year! Wow!
We sat on the beach yesterday, my husband and I, talking about one year ago, how excited we were, newly finished nursery, baby on the way....what a difference a year makes, huh?
I hate people, I hate what life has given (or not given) us, I hate that Sadie isn't here with us, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!
I know none of us in the dead baby club looks forward to the anniversary of loosing our baby, but I really am not looking forward to this. One year, one year, one year! How do we get through this??
Today, doing errands, I drove with the windows wide open, hair flying around like crazy, music playing. I thought how I haven't really let me hair down like that in a while. I really haven't listened to music and enjoyed it. I haven't sang along to the songs. And here I am, just a few days before our Sadie should be turning one, doing all these things I haven't done in years!
I hope this means I am "getting somewhere", that I am progressing and learning to live with this mess we have been dealt. Learning to live with my heart broken and part of my life gone forever!
In just a few days, it will be one year ago that we lost our baby girl, our future, our hopes, our dreams, part of our life! One year ago that our lives changed forever.....
Hummingbirds remind me of my Sadie~tiny, gorgeous, and perfect! I was nearly kissed on my cheek by one my first week home from the hospital as I sat on my proch, there began my love for humming birds! I particularly love the ones with green on them as I imagine Sadie would have had green eyes like her daddy and myself!!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Lola
Well, we've done it!
We got a kitten! A beautiful Maine coon kitten that we've named Lola!
Holding her on the car ride home I cried! Cried my eyes out! I know she is just a kitten, but she is the closet thing I've held since last holding my baby girl! Lola is 12 weeks, so she is still small! Holding her I flashed back to holding Sadie in the hospital almost one year ago :-(
We shouldn't be holding a kitten, we should be holding our nearly one year old baby girl!!
But we aren't, we can't! For now we will long for the time when we can hold her in our arms again!
We love you Sadie more than words will ever express! You are never off out of our thoughts, never out of out hearts, you are always with us, our baby girl, we miss & love you!!
We got a kitten! A beautiful Maine coon kitten that we've named Lola!
Holding her on the car ride home I cried! Cried my eyes out! I know she is just a kitten, but she is the closet thing I've held since last holding my baby girl! Lola is 12 weeks, so she is still small! Holding her I flashed back to holding Sadie in the hospital almost one year ago :-(
We shouldn't be holding a kitten, we should be holding our nearly one year old baby girl!!
But we aren't, we can't! For now we will long for the time when we can hold her in our arms again!
We love you Sadie more than words will ever express! You are never off out of our thoughts, never out of out hearts, you are always with us, our baby girl, we miss & love you!!
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The Story...
I'm not sure how many of you know this song, but WOW!!!
I feel like she wrote this song for words I cannot express.
Since losing our daughter I have changed, in so many ways.
Here are some of the physical changes that have overcome me:
Yes, I have an 8 inch scar across my lower abdomen, but I also have other visible scars, if you looked closely you would see. That day in July when I was overcome with pre-eclampsia, my left eye became black and blue and swelled up! You see, a part of it never went away. If you look closely, you will see I still have a lil black/blue spot just under my left eye, permanent damage, a permanent scar of what happened that day!
I have aged, yes, gray hairs popping out, worry lines, wrinkles, etc!
I have also become an actress....no you wont be seeing me in Hollywood, but an actress in my real life story. I smile, I laugh, I carry on conversations about your this and that, but what I really am feeling, what I really am hiding....you don't know! I can't always express!
A positive occurrence...my husband and I have always been close. We love each other greatly. We do everything together because we love to!! Going thru what we've gone thru has made our relationship even stronger, even deeper! When I thought before we were made for each other, I know we are truly made for each other!! I love him more than words can express, I am grateful for all he has and continues to do for me and for us!
This brings me to the point of my post...a song...a truly breath-taking song, that I fell describes what I feel so well, and I think it may describe what so many other BLM's feel as well.
Here is the Link if you have not heard it and wish to, or below the link are the lyrics, so you can read them if you choose!!!
Enjoy!!
Link to video of The Story by Brandi Carlile:
Lyrics to The Story :
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
I feel like she wrote this song for words I cannot express.
Since losing our daughter I have changed, in so many ways.
Here are some of the physical changes that have overcome me:
Yes, I have an 8 inch scar across my lower abdomen, but I also have other visible scars, if you looked closely you would see. That day in July when I was overcome with pre-eclampsia, my left eye became black and blue and swelled up! You see, a part of it never went away. If you look closely, you will see I still have a lil black/blue spot just under my left eye, permanent damage, a permanent scar of what happened that day!
I have aged, yes, gray hairs popping out, worry lines, wrinkles, etc!
I have also become an actress....no you wont be seeing me in Hollywood, but an actress in my real life story. I smile, I laugh, I carry on conversations about your this and that, but what I really am feeling, what I really am hiding....you don't know! I can't always express!
A positive occurrence...my husband and I have always been close. We love each other greatly. We do everything together because we love to!! Going thru what we've gone thru has made our relationship even stronger, even deeper! When I thought before we were made for each other, I know we are truly made for each other!! I love him more than words can express, I am grateful for all he has and continues to do for me and for us!
This brings me to the point of my post...a song...a truly breath-taking song, that I fell describes what I feel so well, and I think it may describe what so many other BLM's feel as well.
Here is the Link if you have not heard it and wish to, or below the link are the lyrics, so you can read them if you choose!!!
Enjoy!!
Link to video of The Story by Brandi Carlile:
Lyrics to The Story :
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
Saturday, June 11, 2011
What the priest said...
Yesterday, I went to a funeral (well it was a Graveside funeral to be exact)! Funerals are hard for me now on a good day, but I felt confident I could handle this one!
The priest was a very kind, gentle and compassionate man! He had a very nice manner of speaking! However,he said something early on that really upset me! I am not of the same faith as the person who had died, and I'm sure many of you reading this blog have all different sorts of faith, but I think we could all, no matter what our faith is, agree on this point!
He said, "family, friends let's all take time to remind God about_______(insert person who died name)! Let's in prayer send him reminders of who she was, what she did, etc"
This made me upset because I can't imagine God, who is all knowing, all powerful, could or even would forget about a person so as to need reminders from us, we who can't remember where left our keys! Hello!!!!! Don't you think God can remember more about people and know more about them than we ever could! I do and that's what helps me get along on this journey of grief, knowing that God remembers my Sadie, that God knew my Sadie more than I did, and that God loves my Sadie and will bring her back to me!
So sorry for my rant and if you happen to agree with the priest, that we need to remind God, I hope to have not offended you! It wasn't my intent.
The priest was a very kind, gentle and compassionate man! He had a very nice manner of speaking! However,he said something early on that really upset me! I am not of the same faith as the person who had died, and I'm sure many of you reading this blog have all different sorts of faith, but I think we could all, no matter what our faith is, agree on this point!
He said, "family, friends let's all take time to remind God about_______(insert person who died name)! Let's in prayer send him reminders of who she was, what she did, etc"
This made me upset because I can't imagine God, who is all knowing, all powerful, could or even would forget about a person so as to need reminders from us, we who can't remember where left our keys! Hello!!!!! Don't you think God can remember more about people and know more about them than we ever could! I do and that's what helps me get along on this journey of grief, knowing that God remembers my Sadie, that God knew my Sadie more than I did, and that God loves my Sadie and will bring her back to me!
So sorry for my rant and if you happen to agree with the priest, that we need to remind God, I hope to have not offended you! It wasn't my intent.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Flashbacks
Not sure why, but the last few days I have been having tons of flashbacks, flashbacks to the day Sadie was born and then died (July 10th, 2010th) and the days leading up it it!
I did this a lot when I got home from the hospital and the months after that, but now they are more frequent and vivid! I stop for a second and I get a flashback! I feel like I am reliving it all over again, but now it's all clearer! I'm living everything all over again, but now in high def!
This has made me want to remember more details about everything from the hospital! There are still things I am very unclear of, like all the days I was in ICU, I have heard stories of different things that happened, but I remember none of it, I want to, I want to know everything that happened!
I used to cry myself to sleep that I could/would not remember what Sadie looked like or felt like, but I now know, 11 months after I last held her, I haven't forgotten what she looked like! I remember my baby girl, I remember! Now I pray I continue to rememeber! I do forget what she felt like, I want t remember that, but I can't find it! I want to remember what she smelt like, but I can't remember that either! I want to, I wan to so badly!
Will I always flashback to what happened, to that day my baby had to be taken from me??
I did this a lot when I got home from the hospital and the months after that, but now they are more frequent and vivid! I stop for a second and I get a flashback! I feel like I am reliving it all over again, but now it's all clearer! I'm living everything all over again, but now in high def!
This has made me want to remember more details about everything from the hospital! There are still things I am very unclear of, like all the days I was in ICU, I have heard stories of different things that happened, but I remember none of it, I want to, I want to know everything that happened!
I used to cry myself to sleep that I could/would not remember what Sadie looked like or felt like, but I now know, 11 months after I last held her, I haven't forgotten what she looked like! I remember my baby girl, I remember! Now I pray I continue to rememeber! I do forget what she felt like, I want t remember that, but I can't find it! I want to remember what she smelt like, but I can't remember that either! I want to, I wan to so badly!
Will I always flashback to what happened, to that day my baby had to be taken from me??
Friday, May 20, 2011
Babies Babies Everywhere!!!
Ok, having one of those "what the heck" moments!
Everywhere I turn, there is another pregnant person somewhere! Literally everyone is pregnant, everyone, even characters on tv are are busting out pregnant! Everyone, everywhere is pregnant, everyone but me!!
I know, this is a very "woe is me post", but really! What the heck! Why not? Am I not deserving? Am I not worth it? Am I not fit? Am I not what????? Why I am having to put on the "congrats" face while all I want to do is explode and cry!
Its so frustrating! They tell me "think about it less", Oh sure, you try loosing a baby, then TTC and then try thinking about it less! C'mon!!!!! Get real! How could I not care, how do you turn off your burning, aching desire? HOW????
Why can't I just breathe pregnant like everybody else! Why can't there be some magic fix! Ergh!! I hate this!!!
Babies babies everywhere...except with me!!!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
My heart is broken....
Have you ever wished the weekend would end? NO? Neither had I til this weekend!
Its been a particularly heart wrenching weekend. We started it out on Friday, my poor husband running into someone who brings particular heartbreak and bad memories up. Then he came home and we went to my nieces ballet recital. I should have thought that one out, but I didn't, I didn't even think at all, I just signed us both up to go!
It was torturous! Lil girls, lil baby girls, pregnant women galore! It was SOO IN OUR FACE! We both literally ran out of there after her part! IT was all we could do to get out of there in tact!
Next, today, we were babysitting, and my husband loves to play with my niece, and she loves him to pieces and totally works him! She ended up with a boo-boo and my husband picked her up and calmed her and got her to stop crying, and laugh! I was crying! I am still crying writing this! It is so unfair! He is the best daddy, and it is beyond words unfair that his baby girl, our baby girl is not here! She is not with us! I don't get it! How? Why? We would be, we are amazing parents, why are we robbed the life of our baby girl!?
What gives!?!??!?!!??!!?
SO yes, I am hoping this weekend ends! I am scared for what tomorrow will bring, how much more can we take???
Its been a particularly heart wrenching weekend. We started it out on Friday, my poor husband running into someone who brings particular heartbreak and bad memories up. Then he came home and we went to my nieces ballet recital. I should have thought that one out, but I didn't, I didn't even think at all, I just signed us both up to go!
It was torturous! Lil girls, lil baby girls, pregnant women galore! It was SOO IN OUR FACE! We both literally ran out of there after her part! IT was all we could do to get out of there in tact!
Next, today, we were babysitting, and my husband loves to play with my niece, and she loves him to pieces and totally works him! She ended up with a boo-boo and my husband picked her up and calmed her and got her to stop crying, and laugh! I was crying! I am still crying writing this! It is so unfair! He is the best daddy, and it is beyond words unfair that his baby girl, our baby girl is not here! She is not with us! I don't get it! How? Why? We would be, we are amazing parents, why are we robbed the life of our baby girl!?
What gives!?!??!?!!??!!?
SO yes, I am hoping this weekend ends! I am scared for what tomorrow will bring, how much more can we take???
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