3 years

My baby girl would be 3 years old today! Three years!!! Three years!!!! So sad that I can only imagine what it would be like with her here! So sad our son does not have his big sister making him laugh, teaching him all the things she has come to know! So sad our family photos are not complete, are missing our firstborn, our daughter! Not a day goes by that our hearts don't ache for our baby girl!! I was recently asked how my life has been effected by the loss of my daughter! How do you answer such a question?? How has my life NOT been effected!?!?!? EVERY single aspect of my, of our lives has been "effected" by my daughters loss!! What a foolish question! (I'll save this rant for a later post) To my baby girl, I long til the time our family will be complete, til you are in our arms!!! Three years have passed but that means we are three years closer to being a complete family!!!

7/10

That post was posted today 7/10 not 7/9, silly Blogger!!!

2 years today

I know I have benn absent from the blogger world for a span of time now, I apologize and will explain at a later post! For today I remember "Sadie Day" as July 10th will forever be called! Two years ago I gave birth to my firstborn, my daughter! Two years ago my baby girl died! While I will admit to the fact that this Sadie Day is not as hard as last years, it's still hurts! Hurts to depths and degrees I have never known. Time does not heal, it merely affords you the ability to learn to cope. I read a few posts today from fellow BLM's about this date and what it means for them and to us all I wish peace and hope! Without hope I don't know how I would have gotten from this day two years ago to today! Hope that I will have my baby girl back in my arms someday soon! Hope... I love you my baby girl! Mommy hasn't let a day pass without longing for you!! I love you always and forever...

Forced Remembering...

So, I was flipping through the lovely guide on my tv, and I saw a show, "babys first day"....I know, I know, but I felt compelled to look at what it was about. So I did, and it was about a mom who had a history of pre-eclampsia with her first pregnancy, so they were doing an automatic c-section at 38 weeks. So I decided to watch it! I know! What was I thinking! Watching a show about a mom with pre-eclampsia and c-section?!?!?! WHAT!!!!???

So I watched it, and I am still trying to decide if it was helpful or harmful!?!
Watching it brought back a FLOOD of memories and emotions! I guess I hadn't really remembered a lot of the surgery or the feeling I had when I knew they had gotten Sadie out, but I heard nothing....no crying, no nothing except the sound of the NICU scurrying around to try to do something to save Sadie.

Watching it I felt like I was watching me getting the spinal epi, watching me lye on the table, watching me waiting for the epidural to kick in, watching me shaking uncontrollably til the point where they had to tie my arms down to keep my from hitting the surgeon, watching me when the nurse came over while they were working on Sadie asking if I wanted her to be christened, watching me as they told me she didn't make it, watching me as they handed me my baby for the first time, watching me hold my dead baby girl, watching me dazed and confused wondering how I got to this point!

So watching the show I was crying and crying! Even when they pulled the healthy baby out I cried, in fact I cried even harder because I didn't experience that! I didn't hear my baby girl cry, she didn't get to be put in my arms for comfort, she didn't get to meet everyone, she didn't have her first day...she only had her first minutes!

So while I think I benefited from a little remembering, it certainly doesn't make it any easier!

I love you my baby girl, always and forever

Strange the way things turn out....

Yes, there is the obvious "way it turned out"...my baby not being able to leave the hospital and come home like "normal" babies!

Over the past few months, lots has been going on. I have been in stitches over the impending birth of a new family member. In stitches because it stinks for the obvious reasons most BLM's understand what I'm talking about...

I was terribly afraid, afraid of how it would make ME and hubby feel. I haven't held a baby since I last held mine in the hospital. I couldn't hold another, I felt a wealth of emotions as to why not. Disloyalty, fear, sadness, desire, anger, physical pain...the list goes on and on. I was in fear of the whole hospital situation for obvious reasons...last time I was in one it didn't go so well!

So anyway, it happened, baby was born, I hemmed and hawed and once again overcame myself and made it to the hospital, however brief my visit was, the point is I made it there! I walked in and I held that baby!

Then came the next hurdle baby coming home (yes, the baby lived feet from me). Baby came home, and it was ok. I actually went to hold the baby everyday I could. I realized over the past two weeks baby has been home, it was helpful, it was a kinda therapy for hubby and I to have the baby near and to hold baby, etc. It was great. Even tho we received some real bad news, it didn't seem so bad, we handled it surprisingly well, and I think it is because we had a lil baby so near!

Well, like all my stories it ends bad for me. Baby and parents moved a few towns away. We were so busy helping them move and prepare the new house, we didn't stop until....until the house was empty and baby was gone and there we were, JUST THE TWO OF US AGAIN! ALL ALONE! BABY GONE! It felt a fraction like saying bye to Sadie.

I know its silly, they are just a few towns away, but it is what it is, I can't explain in!

I hate change! I hate loss! I hate it ALL!!!

Where did my laugh go? and alienation!

So last night after the meeting I was at ended, I was sitting there listening to everything around me, and I heard a lot of laughs, which made me think...where did my laugh go?

Seriously, where did it go? I started thinking and thinking...not only did my laugh disappear, but I don't find things funny like before!

Im not talking about any old laugh, I am talking about a GENUINE, NON FORCED LAUGH!! We all can "stage" a laugh, but a REAL laugh!?

So I was asking my husband about this, and he said he felt the same way. He doesn't find things quite so funny either. Things just don't seem as funny anymore to either of us!

Then we started thinking about times we have laughed over the last 14 1/2 months, and we couldn't recall any that didn't include each other. So yes, we have laughed, but only with each other! Or, yes I have laughed while watching t.v., but thats it!

I was feeling a lil discouraged at this realization. We went out to a local pub with some friends on the way home after the meeting and it happened....I laughed! A real, true, genuine laugh! It felt SOO good!

So I come to the conclusion....maybe I did loose some of my laugh, maybe now after going through such trauma and loss and real serious junk, maybe things aren't as "light" as before. I now know darkness, I now have experienced things most people my age have not, and this separates me, this makes things that those who have not experienced what I have think entertaining, seem very trivial!

This brings me to alienation!

Someone said to me the other day she felt "so alienated, not being able to help or do anything". This got me thinking and irritated! She feels alienated!?!!??!?! Are you kidding!?!?! How the heck do you think I feel? I feel like I have absolutely NOTHING in common with anyone!!!

My baby is dead! She had to be abruptly taken from me! She isn't getting to be the happy little beautiful girl she deserves to be! She rests in an urn by my bedside! I may not have another chance at having another baby! I have to live and breathe around babies and pregnant women all the time!!!!

And you are telling me YOU feel alienated!?!? HELLO!!!! What the heck is wrong with people!!!!!!!!!!!

It finally happened!!!

One year, 2 months and 1 week ago I held my baby girl, held on to her like I never wanted to let her go. Held on to her knowing it was the last time I'd hold her.

Since that time I've not held any other baby. It wasn't something I thought a lot about, its just something I could not do. (guess it might be due to the fact that I can't get within a few feet of a baby, yeah, that may be a secondary reason as to why I've not held another baby since I had to let go of my own)

Well, this morning at a friends house it happened....not by choice, it kinda just happened. They have friends staying with them, who have a baby boy who is just a bit younger than Sadie would be. Well, the husband walked in and handed me his son and next thing I knew I was holding on to this baby boy tears streaming down my face. What felt like an eternity later, but was probably only minutes later, the dad took the baby and left (don't think he saw what transpired as I hope I was successful at hiding my tears in my hair). Well, I made a bee line for the bathroom and broke out in hysterical crying and sobbing!

It was horrible! I didn't like it! Im not glad it happened! I dont feel i accaomplished of overcame anything! I feel like it actually set me back, back to months ago, back, not ahead!! I didnt face anything except the fact im not ever going to forget my baby girl and that time i got to hold and love her! It hurt so bad! Made me feel sick to my stomach! I know many would call it a "release" but I don't know that it was. I don't feel I accomplished anything other than torturing myself! It was so horrible. My Sadie should be a bit older than he, she should be in our arms, she should be here with us!!! It just made me miss her more and made me feel sadder which I don't know how that is even possible!!

One year, 2 months and 1 week later, I miss you even more my baby girl! Mommy never forgets a thing about you and our brief time together! I love you forever and ever!!