Babies Babies Everywhere!!!

Ok, having one of those "what the heck" moments!

Everywhere I turn, there is another pregnant person somewhere! Literally everyone is pregnant, everyone, even characters on tv are are busting out pregnant! Everyone, everywhere is pregnant, everyone but me!!

I know, this is a very "woe is me post", but really! What the heck! Why not? Am I not deserving? Am I not worth it? Am I not fit? Am I not what????? Why I am having to put on the "congrats" face while all I want to do is explode and cry!

Its so frustrating! They tell me "think about it less", Oh sure, you try loosing a baby, then TTC and then try thinking about it less! C'mon!!!!! Get real! How could I not care, how do you turn off your burning, aching desire? HOW????

Why can't I just breathe pregnant like everybody else! Why can't there be some magic fix! Ergh!! I hate this!!!

Babies babies everywhere...except with me!!!

My heart is broken....

Have you ever wished the weekend would end? NO? Neither had I til this weekend!

Its been a particularly heart wrenching weekend. We started it out on Friday, my poor husband running into someone who brings particular heartbreak and bad memories up. Then he came home and we went to my nieces ballet recital. I should have thought that one out, but I didn't, I didn't even think at all, I just signed us both up to go!

It was torturous! Lil girls, lil baby girls, pregnant women galore! It was SOO IN OUR FACE! We both literally ran out of there after her part! IT was all we could do to get out of there in tact!

Next, today, we were babysitting, and my husband loves to play with my niece, and she loves him to pieces and totally works him! She ended up with a boo-boo and my husband picked her up and calmed her and got her to stop crying, and laugh! I was crying! I am still crying writing this! It is so unfair! He is the best daddy, and it is beyond words unfair that his baby girl, our baby girl is not here! She is not with us! I don't get it! How? Why? We would be, we are amazing parents, why are we robbed the life of our baby girl!?

What gives!?!??!?!!??!!?

SO yes, I am hoping this weekend ends! I am scared for what tomorrow will bring, how much more can we take???

Isn't It Ironic?!

So, at a recent therapy appointment we were discussing the "elephant in the room" (both literally and symbolically)

No one wants to point out the elephant in the room, so everyone skirts around it, totally avoiding it. But what we don't realize is by not talking about the elephant in the room we are actually bringing more attention to it...In fact, its not being skirted or avoided, its only growing and growing and growing!

So this is what we discussed in therapy!

The other day I was sitting at the dinner table with my sister and brother-in-law, and my brother-in-law courageously decided to point out the elephant in the room and started asking me questions about Sadie, etc.

It was great, he had questions, I got to share, it was great! We even discussed the whole "elephant in the room" theory! And this is where it gets good...

My niece, whom I love more than words can convey, she is my connection to my Sadie (my niece and Sadie would have been 2 years and 9 months apart just like my sister and I. My niece is what made us want to have a baby of our own. My niece has her uncle and aunt's heart!) So my niece, walks through the room with a tool box (yes a tool box, a plastic one, but its a took box) She climbs up next to me and proceeds to open the tool box and what were the only 2 items inside...

A BABY & AN ELEPHANT!! We all laughed like our heads off...talk about irony! She whips out the elephant and the baby and gives them both to me to hold!

Hows that for irony?

Faces of Loss Faces of Hope

Just a quick congrats to Kristen at Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope!

What a great article that was in the paper (page 2) yesterday, May 4th! What a great job she has done at making people aware and connecting those of is in this community of Baby Loss, so we can share and know we are not loosing our minds!

Many people have brought the article to my attention, which I think is yet another wonderful way of keeping communication open.

So thank you to Kristen and thank you to all you BLM who put yourselves out here on your blog, sharing your feelings and encouragement!

If you haven't checked out Kristens website, click on my button to the right and enjoy!!

Congrats Kristen!!

How to Disconnect!?

Disconnecting.... Disconnecting from things around you that cause you pain, stress, etc.

How do you do it? I need to disconnect from certain aspects of things around me, but I don't know how! How do you disconnect from people you love?

I'm not talking about a permanent disconnect or even a total disconnect, I'm talking about a disconnect from certain circumstances. How do I do this?

Why disconnect? Because being connected to these certain circumstances causes me anger, sadness, anxiety! Because these certain things I need to disconnect from may cause me not to be able to have peace and calm! And I need peace and calm so I can see a rainbow!!

So I ask you, while apologizing for being so vague, how do you disconnect? How have YOU been able to disconnect from the world around you so YOU could have sone peace and calm?

Any suggestions????

9 Months and 2 weeks later....

Here we are, 9 months and 2 weeks after our Sadie came into the world and then left it! We are just now able to hang a family picture on our wall. Its all we have, the quality is very poor, but we were not expecting to have a family picture taken when we did and certainly not under the circumstances we did. All we had was an old i-phone (the picture quality was bad in the older i-phones)!

My husband hung it! It hangs by our bed so we both can look over and see our baby girl! So precious and perfect! Her life too short!

This is what it looks like on our wall, this is our family!!

This is the original picture:

We love you baby girl, miss you every second of every day!!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Blog Hop # 3

Hope #3...

I'm feeling like hope is there, unfortunately its dangling on a string in front of me and I can't quite reach it!

I know this blog hop is about being positive, so I will muster up what I can...

Can I call my husband a miracle? A blessing? A source of hope? He is. All that and more! He is so amazing. He tirelessly cares for me, watches out for me, makes sure of everything. He is incredible! I don't know what I would do without him. He is the love of my life! I know its because he has gone through this all with me, but he's even more amazing. I love him, love him more than words can express. For him, I am eternally grateful and appreciative of. I pray I can care and love him as he has me!

As for hope, I guess seeing the trees start to bud, the magnolias on the very of bursting open, the daffodils, hyacinths, forsythias, crocus, that have all come out, this makes me think of hope, or new growth, new seasons and new possibilities!

So here I hold on to hope! Hoping maybe with the coming of the new season we will finally reach out and be able to grab that hope dangling in front of us and see it grow into something of its own....

Here's to hoping!!!