Strange the way things turn out....

Yes, there is the obvious "way it turned out"...my baby not being able to leave the hospital and come home like "normal" babies!

Over the past few months, lots has been going on. I have been in stitches over the impending birth of a new family member. In stitches because it stinks for the obvious reasons most BLM's understand what I'm talking about...

I was terribly afraid, afraid of how it would make ME and hubby feel. I haven't held a baby since I last held mine in the hospital. I couldn't hold another, I felt a wealth of emotions as to why not. Disloyalty, fear, sadness, desire, anger, physical pain...the list goes on and on. I was in fear of the whole hospital situation for obvious reasons...last time I was in one it didn't go so well!

So anyway, it happened, baby was born, I hemmed and hawed and once again overcame myself and made it to the hospital, however brief my visit was, the point is I made it there! I walked in and I held that baby!

Then came the next hurdle baby coming home (yes, the baby lived feet from me). Baby came home, and it was ok. I actually went to hold the baby everyday I could. I realized over the past two weeks baby has been home, it was helpful, it was a kinda therapy for hubby and I to have the baby near and to hold baby, etc. It was great. Even tho we received some real bad news, it didn't seem so bad, we handled it surprisingly well, and I think it is because we had a lil baby so near!

Well, like all my stories it ends bad for me. Baby and parents moved a few towns away. We were so busy helping them move and prepare the new house, we didn't stop until....until the house was empty and baby was gone and there we were, JUST THE TWO OF US AGAIN! ALL ALONE! BABY GONE! It felt a fraction like saying bye to Sadie.

I know its silly, they are just a few towns away, but it is what it is, I can't explain in!

I hate change! I hate loss! I hate it ALL!!!

Where did my laugh go? and alienation!

So last night after the meeting I was at ended, I was sitting there listening to everything around me, and I heard a lot of laughs, which made me think...where did my laugh go?

Seriously, where did it go? I started thinking and thinking...not only did my laugh disappear, but I don't find things funny like before!

Im not talking about any old laugh, I am talking about a GENUINE, NON FORCED LAUGH!! We all can "stage" a laugh, but a REAL laugh!?

So I was asking my husband about this, and he said he felt the same way. He doesn't find things quite so funny either. Things just don't seem as funny anymore to either of us!

Then we started thinking about times we have laughed over the last 14 1/2 months, and we couldn't recall any that didn't include each other. So yes, we have laughed, but only with each other! Or, yes I have laughed while watching t.v., but thats it!

I was feeling a lil discouraged at this realization. We went out to a local pub with some friends on the way home after the meeting and it happened....I laughed! A real, true, genuine laugh! It felt SOO good!

So I come to the conclusion....maybe I did loose some of my laugh, maybe now after going through such trauma and loss and real serious junk, maybe things aren't as "light" as before. I now know darkness, I now have experienced things most people my age have not, and this separates me, this makes things that those who have not experienced what I have think entertaining, seem very trivial!

This brings me to alienation!

Someone said to me the other day she felt "so alienated, not being able to help or do anything". This got me thinking and irritated! She feels alienated!?!!??!?! Are you kidding!?!?! How the heck do you think I feel? I feel like I have absolutely NOTHING in common with anyone!!!

My baby is dead! She had to be abruptly taken from me! She isn't getting to be the happy little beautiful girl she deserves to be! She rests in an urn by my bedside! I may not have another chance at having another baby! I have to live and breathe around babies and pregnant women all the time!!!!

And you are telling me YOU feel alienated!?!? HELLO!!!! What the heck is wrong with people!!!!!!!!!!!

It finally happened!!!

One year, 2 months and 1 week ago I held my baby girl, held on to her like I never wanted to let her go. Held on to her knowing it was the last time I'd hold her.

Since that time I've not held any other baby. It wasn't something I thought a lot about, its just something I could not do. (guess it might be due to the fact that I can't get within a few feet of a baby, yeah, that may be a secondary reason as to why I've not held another baby since I had to let go of my own)

Well, this morning at a friends house it happened....not by choice, it kinda just happened. They have friends staying with them, who have a baby boy who is just a bit younger than Sadie would be. Well, the husband walked in and handed me his son and next thing I knew I was holding on to this baby boy tears streaming down my face. What felt like an eternity later, but was probably only minutes later, the dad took the baby and left (don't think he saw what transpired as I hope I was successful at hiding my tears in my hair). Well, I made a bee line for the bathroom and broke out in hysterical crying and sobbing!

It was horrible! I didn't like it! Im not glad it happened! I dont feel i accaomplished of overcame anything! I feel like it actually set me back, back to months ago, back, not ahead!! I didnt face anything except the fact im not ever going to forget my baby girl and that time i got to hold and love her! It hurt so bad! Made me feel sick to my stomach! I know many would call it a "release" but I don't know that it was. I don't feel I accomplished anything other than torturing myself! It was so horrible. My Sadie should be a bit older than he, she should be in our arms, she should be here with us!!! It just made me miss her more and made me feel sadder which I don't know how that is even possible!!

One year, 2 months and 1 week later, I miss you even more my baby girl! Mommy never forgets a thing about you and our brief time together! I love you forever and ever!!

Kids say the darndest things....

So driving with my nephew (he is 6) the other day he asks me "zia, are you ever going to have a baby?". Knife in the heart #1!!

I say "I do have a baby!"

He says, "not a cat zia, a baby!". Knife in the heart #2!

I say, "I do have a real baby, remember her name is Sadie, for now she is safe in Gods memory!"

He says, "no zia a real baby like H is having!". Knife in the heart #3!!!

At this point my mother sees I am struggling so very hard so she steps in with some comment about who knows what!!

Breaks my heart my own nephews don't remember my baby girl! They don't remember anything about her existence!!!

I know I really shouldn't be surprised, no one (besides me) talks about Sadie, or about what happened to her, it's so sad and maddening because look what has happened...even her own family has forgotten her! What or who is next to forget???

Not me my baby girl! I will NEVER EVER EVER forget my beautiful precious baby girl!! I love you forever and ever!!

Im having a really hard Sadie Day...

I am having a real hard today and yesterday with missing my baby girl Sadie!

I guess it started with a recent task I was given which made me kinda re-live what happened the 4 weeks leading up to Sadies birth and death day, the day my life forever changed, the day all the junk hit the fan!!! (And I'm sure my going through the only pictures I have of Sadie (taken via a phone camera) examining her lil features, noticing everyone was wrong about her mouth, its not my grandmother, (its my husbands side of the family) trying to put all my senses into remembering that last and only time I held my baby girl didn't help! It made me miss her all the more if that's possible!

I thought I did pretty good, and was feeling emotionally stable! Well that all got flushed down the toilet when out of nowhere I started crying, crying for my baby girl that should be snuggled in my arms, playing with her favorite stuffed animal, and getting all the love we can give! Then today, At work, I balled! Yup, straight up balled for my baby girl, my heart hurts so bad, my arms ache, my stomach is sick, my insides are in pain. I want my baby girl, I want her in our arms. Its not fair she doesn't get the chance to feel mommy and daddy gushing over how perfect she is, she doesn't get to know all the people in her life who love her like mad, she doesn't get to grow up and do all the things little and big girls get to do.

I am very sad and mad today! Its just so not fair!

A recent dream!

This weekend I had a dream, I was so peaceful and it was so beautiful!

As you know, we got a kitten, Lola, a few months ago...and we love her, love her like she was a real baby girl!

Well, I had a dream that I was walking Lola on a string (I know, makes no sense) and she twisted and turned into a baby girl! At first I thought it was Sadie, but it wasn't, it was a baby girl with blonde curly hair (like my husband had when he was young)! She was in a crisp white dress, blonde curly hair, and she was twirling and laughing and I felt happy, so happy and so peaceful!

It was so strange, but it was so nice! I was sad i hadn't dreamt it was Sadie, but it was so peaceful and happy, I couldn't stop it!

Now don't worry, I'm not dressing my kitten up like a lil baby girl (though the thought did cross my mind :-) ) Just a dream, ,but it was nice to experience the calm and genuine happiness, no matter how brief it was!

It happened again...

I had to buy another baby gift, this tine I thought would be easier as it could only be ordered online. And so it went, I ordered the crib which was hard in itself as I had finally found the crib we wanted and had planned to order it the week that ended up being the week I spent in a New York hospital after loosing Sadie! So Sadie never got her crib! We never had a crib to set up (or set down for that fact)

So I ordered the crib and it finally came! The UPS man who delivered it I've known for years, the sweetest man! I can't say for sure if he knows what happened but now I have a feeling he must. The crib weighed a ton and the poor man had to carry it up our big hill in the hot humid heat, i felt so bad for him, it wasnt fair. The is how the conversation went when he delivered the crib to my front door:
me-"I'm so sorry about that I had no idea it was so large, it's a gift and could only be ordered online". UPS man- "it's ok, I was hoping it was for you". Me-"don't I wish" UPS-"I'm so sorry!"

So yes I guess he knows what happened!

Once again a Diaster baby purchase!

Will any baby purchase not be a Diaster??