What to do

What not to say to a grieving person


I found this recently and wanted to share.  I think grief is a seriously strong thing, everyone handles it differently.  I have come to realize people do not know what to do or say.  I don't think I even knew or now know what to do, its different for everyone.  Anyway, I found this and thought it interesting and wanted to share!
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It's hard to know what to say to a grieving parent. Our own fear of loss can render us immobile. And sometimes people feel like they have to think of the "perfect" thing to say. There is no "perfect" thing to say. There is nothing you can say to heal the grief of losing a child. But acknowledging and supporting grief is a way to help healing. Please know that the effort of talking about the baby, the loss, and the sadness will be appreciated, even if it's not "perfect."

Some Things You Can Say (and do)

• "Cry when you need to because I know your tears are helping you grieve."
• "This child was unique, special and irreplaceable. I know children are not interchangeable and the fact that you can (IF YOU CAN, realize not everyone can have another child) have other children does not lessen the grief of losing this one."
• "Talk to me, share your thoughts, feelings and memories of your baby. I know that you haven't forgotten your baby or your pain just because I'm afraid to mention it."
• "When you've decided what you want to do with your baby's clothes, toys and furniture, I'll help you sort through it all. And if you need to cry, I'll bring the tissues."
• "I know you don't feel like laughing or enjoying right now, I'm sorry"
• "I'm going to run errands now—is there anything I can pick up or do for you, would you like to come?
• "Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal."
• "There is no particular way you 'should' feel or things you 'should' do. There are no rules about how grieving should go."
• "I'll help fill out medical forms, walk the dog, pay bills or answer the phone. I understand that it's hard to deal with the mundane details of life right now."
• "I know it seems like a long time, but you don't have to 'get over' the loss of your baby on any time table. You'll feel better when you do and I'll still be here."
• "Tell me more about your pregnancy and your baby...I'm interested and I'm not tired of hearing the same stories. I know sometimes you need to keep going over those events until they seem real and more tolerable."
• "Wasn't it a year ago that you lost your baby? How about we go for a walk or out to lunch. And I'll remember this day next year and the year after."
• "How are you doing today? If you don't feel like answering the phone, I'll just leave a message to let you know that I love you and was thinking about you. I'm sure you'll return my call when you feel up to it."
• "I've found a list of local support groups in your community, and I'll take you if you'd like to go."
• "I understand if you're having a hard time being my friend when I have a new baby and you've lost yours. I love you and I'll be here when you're ready."
• "Don't feel guilty because you laughed today."
• "I'm here. Call me any time of the day or night. I'll cry with you, I'll listen to you and I'll even laugh with you. I'll always have tissues."

Some Things NOT to Say:

• "It was God's will."
• "It was meant to be" or "it was for the best."
• "Your baby is in a better place now."
• "Time heals all wounds."
• "I know just how you feel." (Unless you have personally experienced the loss of a baby.)
• "It's been ___ amount of time and aren't you over it yet? It's time to get on with your life."
• "At least you have other children" or "At least you can have other children."
• "Now you will have an angel in heaven."

- Snap out of it
- It wasn’t meant to be
- You must be strong
- You must move on
- God will never give you more than you can handle
- I understand
- It’s over with. Let’s not deal with it
- Get a hold of yourself
- Keep a stiff upper lip
- Pull yourself together
- Get back on the horse again
- It was God’s will
- You can always have other children
- You’re young
- Maybe God is trying to teach you a lesson
- Others have it worse than you

-What did you do wrong
- He wouldn’t have been healthy
- It is just nature’s way of dealing with a problem

How to Help

Please do not stay away or ignore the loss. Bereaved parents need your loving support. Not speaking about it does not lessen its reality. Bring up the subject, and be prepared for tears. Nothing you say will ever make the bereaved parent sadder than the reality of losing a child. Simply allowing a safe space for them to grieve without denying that grief is all that's required of you. Remember, it is usually the simple things you say or do that mean so much.