Sadie Quinn Baker from Every Life Has A Story

Becky & Zak lost their first born child, Sadie Quinn, on July 10th, 2010 due to pre-eclampsia & HELLP syndrome at 24 weeks pregnant.

Hummingbirds remind me of my Sadie~tiny, gorgeous, and perfect! I was nearly kissed on my cheek by one my first week home from the hospital as I sat on my proch, there began my love for humming birds! I particularly love the ones with green on them as I imagine Sadie would have had green eyes like her daddy and myself!!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Babies Babies Everywhere!!!

Ok, having one of those "what the heck" moments!

Everywhere I turn, there is another pregnant person somewhere! Literally everyone is pregnant, everyone, even characters on tv are are busting out pregnant! Everyone, everywhere is pregnant, everyone but me!!

I know, this is a very "woe is me post", but really! What the heck! Why not? Am I not deserving? Am I not worth it? Am I not fit? Am I not what????? Why I am having to put on the "congrats" face while all I want to do is explode and cry!

Its so frustrating! They tell me "think about it less", Oh sure, you try loosing a baby, then TTC and then try thinking about it less! C'mon!!!!! Get real! How could I not care, how do you turn off your burning, aching desire? HOW????

Why can't I just breathe pregnant like everybody else! Why can't there be some magic fix! Ergh!! I hate this!!!

Babies babies everywhere...except with me!!!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

My heart is broken....

Have you ever wished the weekend would end? NO? Neither had I til this weekend!

Its been a particularly heart wrenching weekend. We started it out on Friday, my poor husband running into someone who brings particular heartbreak and bad memories up. Then he came home and we went to my nieces ballet recital. I should have thought that one out, but I didn't, I didn't even think at all, I just signed us both up to go!

It was torturous! Lil girls, lil baby girls, pregnant women galore! It was SOO IN OUR FACE! We both literally ran out of there after her part! IT was all we could do to get out of there in tact!

Next, today, we were babysitting, and my husband loves to play with my niece, and she loves him to pieces and totally works him! She ended up with a boo-boo and my husband picked her up and calmed her and got her to stop crying, and laugh! I was crying! I am still crying writing this! It is so unfair! He is the best daddy, and it is beyond words unfair that his baby girl, our baby girl is not here! She is not with us! I don't get it! How? Why? We would be, we are amazing parents, why are we robbed the life of our baby girl!?

What gives!?!??!?!!??!!?

SO yes, I am hoping this weekend ends! I am scared for what tomorrow will bring, how much more can we take???

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Isn't It Ironic?!

So, at a recent therapy appointment we were discussing the "elephant in the room" (both literally and symbolically)

No one wants to point out the elephant in the room, so everyone skirts around it, totally avoiding it. But what we don't realize is by not talking about the elephant in the room we are actually bringing more attention to it...In fact, its not being skirted or avoided, its only growing and growing and growing!

So this is what we discussed in therapy!

The other day I was sitting at the dinner table with my sister and brother-in-law, and my brother-in-law courageously decided to point out the elephant in the room and started asking me questions about Sadie, etc.

It was great, he had questions, I got to share, it was great! We even discussed the whole "elephant in the room" theory! And this is where it gets good...

My niece, whom I love more than words can convey, she is my connection to my Sadie (my niece and Sadie would have been 2 years and 9 months apart just like my sister and I. My niece is what made us want to have a baby of our own. My niece has her uncle and aunt's heart!) So my niece, walks through the room with a tool box (yes a tool box, a plastic one, but its a took box) She climbs up next to me and proceeds to open the tool box and what were the only 2 items inside...

A BABY & AN ELEPHANT!! We all laughed like our heads about irony! She whips out the elephant and the baby and gives them both to me to hold!

Hows that for irony?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Faces of Loss Faces of Hope

Just a quick congrats to Kristen at Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope!

What a great article that was in the paper (page 2) yesterday, May 4th! What a great job she has done at making people aware and connecting those of is in this community of Baby Loss, so we can share and know we are not loosing our minds!

Many people have brought the article to my attention, which I think is yet another wonderful way of keeping communication open.

So thank you to Kristen and thank you to all you BLM who put yourselves out here on your blog, sharing your feelings and encouragement!

If you haven't checked out Kristens website, click on my button to the right and enjoy!!

Congrats Kristen!!

Monday, May 2, 2011

How to Disconnect!?

Disconnecting.... Disconnecting from things around you that cause you pain, stress, etc.

How do you do it? I need to disconnect from certain aspects of things around me, but I don't know how! How do you disconnect from people you love?

I'm not talking about a permanent disconnect or even a total disconnect, I'm talking about a disconnect from certain circumstances. How do I do this?

Why disconnect? Because being connected to these certain circumstances causes me anger, sadness, anxiety! Because these certain things I need to disconnect from may cause me not to be able to have peace and calm! And I need peace and calm so I can see a rainbow!!

So I ask you, while apologizing for being so vague, how do you disconnect? How have YOU been able to disconnect from the world around you so YOU could have sone peace and calm?

Any suggestions????