Sadie Quinn Baker from Every Life Has A Story

Becky & Zak lost their first born child, Sadie Quinn, on July 10th, 2010 due to pre-eclampsia & HELLP syndrome at 24 weeks pregnant.

Hummingbirds remind me of my Sadie~tiny, gorgeous, and perfect! I was nearly kissed on my cheek by one my first week home from the hospital as I sat on my proch, there began my love for humming birds! I particularly love the ones with green on them as I imagine Sadie would have had green eyes like her daddy and myself!!

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Forced Remembering...

So, I was flipping through the lovely guide on my tv, and I saw a show, "babys first day"....I know, I know, but I felt compelled to look at what it was about. So I did, and it was about a mom who had a history of pre-eclampsia with her first pregnancy, so they were doing an automatic c-section at 38 weeks. So I decided to watch it! I know! What was I thinking! Watching a show about a mom with pre-eclampsia and c-section?!?!?! WHAT!!!!???

So I watched it, and I am still trying to decide if it was helpful or harmful!?!
Watching it brought back a FLOOD of memories and emotions! I guess I hadn't really remembered a lot of the surgery or the feeling I had when I knew they had gotten Sadie out, but I heard crying, no nothing except the sound of the NICU scurrying around to try to do something to save Sadie.

Watching it I felt like I was watching me getting the spinal epi, watching me lye on the table, watching me waiting for the epidural to kick in, watching me shaking uncontrollably til the point where they had to tie my arms down to keep my from hitting the surgeon, watching me when the nurse came over while they were working on Sadie asking if I wanted her to be christened, watching me as they told me she didn't make it, watching me as they handed me my baby for the first time, watching me hold my dead baby girl, watching me dazed and confused wondering how I got to this point!

So watching the show I was crying and crying! Even when they pulled the healthy baby out I cried, in fact I cried even harder because I didn't experience that! I didn't hear my baby girl cry, she didn't get to be put in my arms for comfort, she didn't get to meet everyone, she didn't have her first day...she only had her first minutes!

So while I think I benefited from a little remembering, it certainly doesn't make it any easier!

I love you my baby girl, always and forever

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Strange the way things turn out....

Yes, there is the obvious "way it turned out" baby not being able to leave the hospital and come home like "normal" babies!

Over the past few months, lots has been going on. I have been in stitches over the impending birth of a new family member. In stitches because it stinks for the obvious reasons most BLM's understand what I'm talking about...

I was terribly afraid, afraid of how it would make ME and hubby feel. I haven't held a baby since I last held mine in the hospital. I couldn't hold another, I felt a wealth of emotions as to why not. Disloyalty, fear, sadness, desire, anger, physical pain...the list goes on and on. I was in fear of the whole hospital situation for obvious reasons...last time I was in one it didn't go so well!

So anyway, it happened, baby was born, I hemmed and hawed and once again overcame myself and made it to the hospital, however brief my visit was, the point is I made it there! I walked in and I held that baby!

Then came the next hurdle baby coming home (yes, the baby lived feet from me). Baby came home, and it was ok. I actually went to hold the baby everyday I could. I realized over the past two weeks baby has been home, it was helpful, it was a kinda therapy for hubby and I to have the baby near and to hold baby, etc. It was great. Even tho we received some real bad news, it didn't seem so bad, we handled it surprisingly well, and I think it is because we had a lil baby so near!

Well, like all my stories it ends bad for me. Baby and parents moved a few towns away. We were so busy helping them move and prepare the new house, we didn't stop until....until the house was empty and baby was gone and there we were, JUST THE TWO OF US AGAIN! ALL ALONE! BABY GONE! It felt a fraction like saying bye to Sadie.

I know its silly, they are just a few towns away, but it is what it is, I can't explain in!

I hate change! I hate loss! I hate it ALL!!!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Where did my laugh go? and alienation!

So last night after the meeting I was at ended, I was sitting there listening to everything around me, and I heard a lot of laughs, which made me think...where did my laugh go?

Seriously, where did it go? I started thinking and thinking...not only did my laugh disappear, but I don't find things funny like before!

Im not talking about any old laugh, I am talking about a GENUINE, NON FORCED LAUGH!! We all can "stage" a laugh, but a REAL laugh!?

So I was asking my husband about this, and he said he felt the same way. He doesn't find things quite so funny either. Things just don't seem as funny anymore to either of us!

Then we started thinking about times we have laughed over the last 14 1/2 months, and we couldn't recall any that didn't include each other. So yes, we have laughed, but only with each other! Or, yes I have laughed while watching t.v., but thats it!

I was feeling a lil discouraged at this realization. We went out to a local pub with some friends on the way home after the meeting and it happened....I laughed! A real, true, genuine laugh! It felt SOO good!

So I come to the conclusion....maybe I did loose some of my laugh, maybe now after going through such trauma and loss and real serious junk, maybe things aren't as "light" as before. I now know darkness, I now have experienced things most people my age have not, and this separates me, this makes things that those who have not experienced what I have think entertaining, seem very trivial!

This brings me to alienation!

Someone said to me the other day she felt "so alienated, not being able to help or do anything". This got me thinking and irritated! She feels alienated!?!!??!?! Are you kidding!?!?! How the heck do you think I feel? I feel like I have absolutely NOTHING in common with anyone!!!

My baby is dead! She had to be abruptly taken from me! She isn't getting to be the happy little beautiful girl she deserves to be! She rests in an urn by my bedside! I may not have another chance at having another baby! I have to live and breathe around babies and pregnant women all the time!!!!

And you are telling me YOU feel alienated!?!? HELLO!!!! What the heck is wrong with people!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

It finally happened!!!

One year, 2 months and 1 week ago I held my baby girl, held on to her like I never wanted to let her go. Held on to her knowing it was the last time I'd hold her.

Since that time I've not held any other baby. It wasn't something I thought a lot about, its just something I could not do. (guess it might be due to the fact that I can't get within a few feet of a baby, yeah, that may be a secondary reason as to why I've not held another baby since I had to let go of my own)

Well, this morning at a friends house it happened....not by choice, it kinda just happened. They have friends staying with them, who have a baby boy who is just a bit younger than Sadie would be. Well, the husband walked in and handed me his son and next thing I knew I was holding on to this baby boy tears streaming down my face. What felt like an eternity later, but was probably only minutes later, the dad took the baby and left (don't think he saw what transpired as I hope I was successful at hiding my tears in my hair). Well, I made a bee line for the bathroom and broke out in hysterical crying and sobbing!

It was horrible! I didn't like it! Im not glad it happened! I dont feel i accaomplished of overcame anything! I feel like it actually set me back, back to months ago, back, not ahead!! I didnt face anything except the fact im not ever going to forget my baby girl and that time i got to hold and love her! It hurt so bad! Made me feel sick to my stomach! I know many would call it a "release" but I don't know that it was. I don't feel I accomplished anything other than torturing myself! It was so horrible. My Sadie should be a bit older than he, she should be in our arms, she should be here with us!!! It just made me miss her more and made me feel sadder which I don't know how that is even possible!!

One year, 2 months and 1 week later, I miss you even more my baby girl! Mommy never forgets a thing about you and our brief time together! I love you forever and ever!!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Kids say the darndest things....

So driving with my nephew (he is 6) the other day he asks me "zia, are you ever going to have a baby?". Knife in the heart #1!!

I say "I do have a baby!"

He says, "not a cat zia, a baby!". Knife in the heart #2!

I say, "I do have a real baby, remember her name is Sadie, for now she is safe in Gods memory!"

He says, "no zia a real baby like H is having!". Knife in the heart #3!!!

At this point my mother sees I am struggling so very hard so she steps in with some comment about who knows what!!

Breaks my heart my own nephews don't remember my baby girl! They don't remember anything about her existence!!!

I know I really shouldn't be surprised, no one (besides me) talks about Sadie, or about what happened to her, it's so sad and maddening because look what has happened...even her own family has forgotten her! What or who is next to forget???

Not me my baby girl! I will NEVER EVER EVER forget my beautiful precious baby girl!! I love you forever and ever!!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Im having a really hard Sadie Day...

I am having a real hard today and yesterday with missing my baby girl Sadie!

I guess it started with a recent task I was given which made me kinda re-live what happened the 4 weeks leading up to Sadies birth and death day, the day my life forever changed, the day all the junk hit the fan!!! (And I'm sure my going through the only pictures I have of Sadie (taken via a phone camera) examining her lil features, noticing everyone was wrong about her mouth, its not my grandmother, (its my husbands side of the family) trying to put all my senses into remembering that last and only time I held my baby girl didn't help! It made me miss her all the more if that's possible!

I thought I did pretty good, and was feeling emotionally stable! Well that all got flushed down the toilet when out of nowhere I started crying, crying for my baby girl that should be snuggled in my arms, playing with her favorite stuffed animal, and getting all the love we can give! Then today, At work, I balled! Yup, straight up balled for my baby girl, my heart hurts so bad, my arms ache, my stomach is sick, my insides are in pain. I want my baby girl, I want her in our arms. Its not fair she doesn't get the chance to feel mommy and daddy gushing over how perfect she is, she doesn't get to know all the people in her life who love her like mad, she doesn't get to grow up and do all the things little and big girls get to do.

I am very sad and mad today! Its just so not fair!

Monday, August 15, 2011

A recent dream!

This weekend I had a dream, I was so peaceful and it was so beautiful!

As you know, we got a kitten, Lola, a few months ago...and we love her, love her like she was a real baby girl!

Well, I had a dream that I was walking Lola on a string (I know, makes no sense) and she twisted and turned into a baby girl! At first I thought it was Sadie, but it wasn't, it was a baby girl with blonde curly hair (like my husband had when he was young)! She was in a crisp white dress, blonde curly hair, and she was twirling and laughing and I felt happy, so happy and so peaceful!

It was so strange, but it was so nice! I was sad i hadn't dreamt it was Sadie, but it was so peaceful and happy, I couldn't stop it!

Now don't worry, I'm not dressing my kitten up like a lil baby girl (though the thought did cross my mind :-) ) Just a dream, ,but it was nice to experience the calm and genuine happiness, no matter how brief it was!

Friday, August 12, 2011

It happened again...

I had to buy another baby gift, this tine I thought would be easier as it could only be ordered online. And so it went, I ordered the crib which was hard in itself as I had finally found the crib we wanted and had planned to order it the week that ended up being the week I spent in a New York hospital after loosing Sadie! So Sadie never got her crib! We never had a crib to set up (or set down for that fact)

So I ordered the crib and it finally came! The UPS man who delivered it I've known for years, the sweetest man! I can't say for sure if he knows what happened but now I have a feeling he must. The crib weighed a ton and the poor man had to carry it up our big hill in the hot humid heat, i felt so bad for him, it wasnt fair. The is how the conversation went when he delivered the crib to my front door:
me-"I'm so sorry about that I had no idea it was so large, it's a gift and could only be ordered online". UPS man- "it's ok, I was hoping it was for you". Me-"don't I wish" UPS-"I'm so sorry!"

So yes I guess he knows what happened!

Once again a Diaster baby purchase!

Will any baby purchase not be a Diaster??

Friday, July 22, 2011

Becky did a bab bad thing....

Yes I took a line from Chris Isaac!!

Anyway, yup, I did something I shouldn't have! I'll back up...

So when all horribleness broke out and I was in the hospital in NYC, just lost Sadie, horribleness, just horribleness, my amazing sister-in-law, M, along with 2 of my good friends, J & K, went into our house and emptied Sadies nursery, and my entire house of anything baby! They put it in bins and took it to my in-laws where it's been untouched til now...

Here's where I did the bad thing! It's been one year, one week and a few days since we lost Sadie and I decided to go into the bin at my in-laws to look for the calendar and journal I kept during my pregnancy for Sadie! I opened the bin and I can't even tell you what I felt! If any of you BLMs have done the same thing I am confident you know what I felt! It was awful, wonderful and tragically sad all at once! It was so wonderful to be near her things again and to remember what it felt like to be happy, excited, and hopeful! it was awful to see the new items that should be worn out and stained by now! It was awful to see the clothes she never got to wear! It was so sad to feel that pain of loosing her all over again and having to say goodbye as I closed it up and put it back, back into storage! Those things shouldn't be in storage, they should be on her, in her nursery, all over the house!

Who says time heals anyways! I think it must be someone who hasn't felt this loss, someone who has absolutely no clue, no sense of reality! Times doesn't heal, it just makes you miss them all the more and hurt all over again!

So yes, Becky did a bad bad thing....

Sunday, July 10, 2011

One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today our dear Sadie Quinn was born. She lived only a few minutes.

One year ago today I lay in a hospital bed in disbelief that my baby was taken from me, and now lying in my arms not breathing, her heart not beating, dead!

One year ago my life changed like I never imagined. Like I never planned it to. I became a mother. A mother to a beautiful and in my eyes, a perfect baby girl.

There are ones that forget that I am a mother, forget that Sadie lived, forget what happened that horrific day on year ago today. But I will never forget. I will never let go of the life our daughter lived. I will never let her memory fade or her funny ways slip from my heart and mind.

I have relived every moment of the week leading up to Sadie's birth: The day we finished her nursery. The day we hung her pink baby Red Sox hat. The day I bought her first pair of shoes. My last OB visit. The fear I had when everything started going wrong...not fear for myself, but fear for my baby. The shock of hearing that we had to have a c-section to try to save us. The utter horror of the NICU informing me they couldn't save Sadie. The first time I held her in my arms while they were still operating on me. The last gasp of air she took. The look on my husbands face when I saw him walk into the post-op room. The look of utter despair on his face as he held Sadie the first time. Showing her to my mom, my dad, my brothers, sister and sisters-in-law, and my husbands sister. The last prayer my hisband, Sadie and I shared together as a family. The nurse coming to take Sadie away, for the last time. Picking Sadie up at the funeral home in NYC in her tiny little urn. The long drive home with Sadie between my husband and I, in an urn, not in her car seat as she should have been.

One year ago July 10th 2011 Sadie would be one year old.

I miss my baby girl every second of every day. Not a moment goes by that I don't miss or love my Sadie!

Till I see you again my beautiful, perfect baby girl...mommy and daddy love you

Saturday, July 9, 2011

A few questions...?

I found myself wondering the following questions today:

What the heck is wrong with people?
Do people have no care, concern or fellow feelings for other people?

As I pondered these questions I came to the conclusion that people forget! Bottom line that is my belief, people forget that you had a baby and that baby died after birth! People forget the utter despair that has continued from that day forward! People forget you are still grieving! People forget!

Well from this day on I am done! I'm done putting myself through torture to pacify everyone else...because I now know it doesn't matter, it'll never be enough! I'm done forgoing my comfort and sanity for people who don't return the respect! No more will I let people walk all over me...I AM DONE!!!!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

This week one year ago...

Wow, I didn't expect it to be like this! We never do right...

Yesterday was July 4th, what was I doing one year ago July 4th? We just finished Sadies nursery! The paint was just finished, Helium pink, no VOC paint, perfect for our precious cargo soon to arrive. Shame was she never got to see her beautiful nursery!

On the 10th our Sadie would turn one year old! One year! Wow!

We sat on the beach yesterday, my husband and I, talking about one year ago, how excited we were, newly finished nursery, baby on the way....what a difference a year makes, huh?

I hate people, I hate what life has given (or not given) us, I hate that Sadie isn't here with us, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!

I know none of us in the dead baby club looks forward to the anniversary of loosing our baby, but I really am not looking forward to this. One year, one year, one year! How do we get through this??

Today, doing errands, I drove with the windows wide open, hair flying around like crazy, music playing. I thought how I haven't really let me hair down like that in a while. I really haven't listened to music and enjoyed it. I haven't sang along to the songs. And here I am, just a few days before our Sadie should be turning one, doing all these things I haven't done in years!

I hope this means I am "getting somewhere", that I am progressing and learning to live with this mess we have been dealt. Learning to live with my heart broken and part of my life gone forever!

In just a few days, it will be one year ago that we lost our baby girl, our future, our hopes, our dreams, part of our life! One year ago that our lives changed forever.....

Friday, July 1, 2011


Well, we've done it!

We got a kitten! A beautiful Maine coon kitten that we've named Lola!

Holding her on the car ride home I cried! Cried my eyes out! I know she is just a kitten, but she is the closet thing I've held since last holding my baby girl! Lola is 12 weeks, so she is still small! Holding her I flashed back to holding Sadie in the hospital almost one year ago :-(

We shouldn't be holding a kitten, we should be holding our nearly one year old baby girl!!

But we aren't, we can't! For now we will long for the time when we can hold her in our arms again!

We love you Sadie more than words will ever express! You are never off out of our thoughts, never out of out hearts, you are always with us, our baby girl, we miss & love you!!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Story...

I'm not sure how many of you know this song, but WOW!!!
I feel like she wrote this song for words I cannot express.

Since losing our daughter I have changed, in so many ways.
Here are some of the physical changes that have overcome me:

Yes, I have an 8 inch scar across my lower abdomen, but I also have other visible scars, if you looked closely you would see. That day in July when I was overcome with pre-eclampsia, my left eye became black and blue and swelled up! You see, a part of it never went away. If you look closely, you will see I still have a lil black/blue spot just under my left eye, permanent damage, a permanent scar of what happened that day!

I have aged, yes, gray hairs popping out, worry lines, wrinkles, etc!

I have also become an you wont be seeing me in Hollywood, but an actress in my real life story. I smile, I laugh, I carry on conversations about your this and that, but what I really am feeling, what I really am don't know! I can't always express!

A positive husband and I have always been close. We love each other greatly. We do everything together because we love to!! Going thru what we've gone thru has made our relationship even stronger, even deeper! When I thought before we were made for each other, I know we are truly made for each other!! I love him more than words can express, I am grateful for all he has and continues to do for me and for us!

This brings me to the point of my post...a song...a truly breath-taking song, that I fell describes what I feel so well, and I think it may describe what so many other BLM's feel as well.

Here is the Link if you have not heard it and wish to, or below the link are the lyrics, so you can read them if you choose!!!


Link to video of The Story by Brandi Carlile:

Lyrics to The Story :

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

Saturday, June 11, 2011

What the priest said...

Yesterday, I went to a funeral (well it was a Graveside funeral to be exact)! Funerals are hard for me now on a good day, but I felt confident I could handle this one!

The priest was a very kind, gentle and compassionate man! He had a very nice manner of speaking! However,he said something early on that really upset me! I am not of the same faith as the person who had died, and I'm sure many of you reading this blog have all different sorts of faith, but I think we could all, no matter what our faith is, agree on this point!

He said, "family, friends let's all take time to remind God about_______(insert person who died name)! Let's in prayer send him reminders of who she was, what she did, etc"

This made me upset because I can't imagine God, who is all knowing, all powerful, could or even would forget about a person so as to need reminders from us, we who can't remember where left our keys! Hello!!!!! Don't you think God can remember more about people and know more about them than we ever could! I do and that's what helps me get along on this journey of grief, knowing that God remembers my Sadie, that God knew my Sadie more than I did, and that God loves my Sadie and will bring her back to me!

So sorry for my rant and if you happen to agree with the priest, that we need to remind God, I hope to have not offended you! It wasn't my intent.

Saturday, June 4, 2011


Not sure why, but the last few days I have been having tons of flashbacks, flashbacks to the day Sadie was born and then died (July 10th, 2010th) and the days leading up it it!

I did this a lot when I got home from the hospital and the months after that, but now they are more frequent and vivid! I stop for a second and I get a flashback! I feel like I am reliving it all over again, but now it's all clearer! I'm living everything all over again, but now in high def!

This has made me want to remember more details about everything from the hospital! There are still things I am very unclear of, like all the days I was in ICU, I have heard stories of different things that happened, but I remember none of it, I want to, I want to know everything that happened!

I used to cry myself to sleep that I could/would not remember what Sadie looked like or felt like, but I now know, 11 months after I last held her, I haven't forgotten what she looked like! I remember my baby girl, I remember! Now I pray I continue to rememeber! I do forget what she felt like, I want t remember that, but I can't find it! I want to remember what she smelt like, but I can't remember that either! I want to, I wan to so badly!

Will I always flashback to what happened, to that day my baby had to be taken from me??

Friday, May 20, 2011

Babies Babies Everywhere!!!

Ok, having one of those "what the heck" moments!

Everywhere I turn, there is another pregnant person somewhere! Literally everyone is pregnant, everyone, even characters on tv are are busting out pregnant! Everyone, everywhere is pregnant, everyone but me!!

I know, this is a very "woe is me post", but really! What the heck! Why not? Am I not deserving? Am I not worth it? Am I not fit? Am I not what????? Why I am having to put on the "congrats" face while all I want to do is explode and cry!

Its so frustrating! They tell me "think about it less", Oh sure, you try loosing a baby, then TTC and then try thinking about it less! C'mon!!!!! Get real! How could I not care, how do you turn off your burning, aching desire? HOW????

Why can't I just breathe pregnant like everybody else! Why can't there be some magic fix! Ergh!! I hate this!!!

Babies babies everywhere...except with me!!!

Saturday, May 14, 2011

My heart is broken....

Have you ever wished the weekend would end? NO? Neither had I til this weekend!

Its been a particularly heart wrenching weekend. We started it out on Friday, my poor husband running into someone who brings particular heartbreak and bad memories up. Then he came home and we went to my nieces ballet recital. I should have thought that one out, but I didn't, I didn't even think at all, I just signed us both up to go!

It was torturous! Lil girls, lil baby girls, pregnant women galore! It was SOO IN OUR FACE! We both literally ran out of there after her part! IT was all we could do to get out of there in tact!

Next, today, we were babysitting, and my husband loves to play with my niece, and she loves him to pieces and totally works him! She ended up with a boo-boo and my husband picked her up and calmed her and got her to stop crying, and laugh! I was crying! I am still crying writing this! It is so unfair! He is the best daddy, and it is beyond words unfair that his baby girl, our baby girl is not here! She is not with us! I don't get it! How? Why? We would be, we are amazing parents, why are we robbed the life of our baby girl!?

What gives!?!??!?!!??!!?

SO yes, I am hoping this weekend ends! I am scared for what tomorrow will bring, how much more can we take???

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Isn't It Ironic?!

So, at a recent therapy appointment we were discussing the "elephant in the room" (both literally and symbolically)

No one wants to point out the elephant in the room, so everyone skirts around it, totally avoiding it. But what we don't realize is by not talking about the elephant in the room we are actually bringing more attention to it...In fact, its not being skirted or avoided, its only growing and growing and growing!

So this is what we discussed in therapy!

The other day I was sitting at the dinner table with my sister and brother-in-law, and my brother-in-law courageously decided to point out the elephant in the room and started asking me questions about Sadie, etc.

It was great, he had questions, I got to share, it was great! We even discussed the whole "elephant in the room" theory! And this is where it gets good...

My niece, whom I love more than words can convey, she is my connection to my Sadie (my niece and Sadie would have been 2 years and 9 months apart just like my sister and I. My niece is what made us want to have a baby of our own. My niece has her uncle and aunt's heart!) So my niece, walks through the room with a tool box (yes a tool box, a plastic one, but its a took box) She climbs up next to me and proceeds to open the tool box and what were the only 2 items inside...

A BABY & AN ELEPHANT!! We all laughed like our heads about irony! She whips out the elephant and the baby and gives them both to me to hold!

Hows that for irony?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Faces of Loss Faces of Hope

Just a quick congrats to Kristen at Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope!

What a great article that was in the paper (page 2) yesterday, May 4th! What a great job she has done at making people aware and connecting those of is in this community of Baby Loss, so we can share and know we are not loosing our minds!

Many people have brought the article to my attention, which I think is yet another wonderful way of keeping communication open.

So thank you to Kristen and thank you to all you BLM who put yourselves out here on your blog, sharing your feelings and encouragement!

If you haven't checked out Kristens website, click on my button to the right and enjoy!!

Congrats Kristen!!

Monday, May 2, 2011

How to Disconnect!?

Disconnecting.... Disconnecting from things around you that cause you pain, stress, etc.

How do you do it? I need to disconnect from certain aspects of things around me, but I don't know how! How do you disconnect from people you love?

I'm not talking about a permanent disconnect or even a total disconnect, I'm talking about a disconnect from certain circumstances. How do I do this?

Why disconnect? Because being connected to these certain circumstances causes me anger, sadness, anxiety! Because these certain things I need to disconnect from may cause me not to be able to have peace and calm! And I need peace and calm so I can see a rainbow!!

So I ask you, while apologizing for being so vague, how do you disconnect? How have YOU been able to disconnect from the world around you so YOU could have sone peace and calm?

Any suggestions????

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

9 Months and 2 weeks later....

Here we are, 9 months and 2 weeks after our Sadie came into the world and then left it! We are just now able to hang a family picture on our wall. Its all we have, the quality is very poor, but we were not expecting to have a family picture taken when we did and certainly not under the circumstances we did. All we had was an old i-phone (the picture quality was bad in the older i-phones)!

My husband hung it! It hangs by our bed so we both can look over and see our baby girl! So precious and perfect! Her life too short!

This is what it looks like on our wall, this is our family!!

This is the original picture:

We love you baby girl, miss you every second of every day!!


Mommy and Daddy

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Blog Hop # 3

Hope #3...

I'm feeling like hope is there, unfortunately its dangling on a string in front of me and I can't quite reach it!

I know this blog hop is about being positive, so I will muster up what I can...

Can I call my husband a miracle? A blessing? A source of hope? He is. All that and more! He is so amazing. He tirelessly cares for me, watches out for me, makes sure of everything. He is incredible! I don't know what I would do without him. He is the love of my life! I know its because he has gone through this all with me, but he's even more amazing. I love him, love him more than words can express. For him, I am eternally grateful and appreciative of. I pray I can care and love him as he has me!

As for hope, I guess seeing the trees start to bud, the magnolias on the very of bursting open, the daffodils, hyacinths, forsythias, crocus, that have all come out, this makes me think of hope, or new growth, new seasons and new possibilities!

So here I hold on to hope! Hoping maybe with the coming of the new season we will finally reach out and be able to grab that hope dangling in front of us and see it grow into something of its own....

Here's to hoping!!!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Thank you!!!!

I know I could have written this is my comments under my last post, but I felt it needed it's own post...


I was so thankful for all your kind words, ecouragement, support and understanding!
It means so so so much to me to be able to share how I am feeling and then hear all your kind words! It means so much to read your thoughts on your own blogs, it's nice to know people understand!!
I just want to make sure you all know how grateful I am for all your thoughtfulness!!
I'm sorry for all of our losses, but thankful we can sound off to each other!!
Thank you again with all my heart!!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Is it a "stage"??

So, I've been told about, I've read about, I thought I'd experienced it,but here I am again....ANGER!!

I know its part of the grieving process, but I thought I went through anger already! How am I here again! No, I take it back, I am there again, but wow, so much more intense!

I'm angry, (thats the kindest way I can put it, angry!) I am so very very angry, angry at EVERYTHING! I will put it in order:

I'm angry that my baby girl isn't alive, she isn't having her first anything...she is in a tiny urn sitting next to my bed! How is that fair?! She should be in our arms, she should be showered with hugs and kisses and all sorts of attention! But there she lies, in that lil urn...She should be alive, she should be breathing, laughing, smiling, crying.....

I'm angry that I feel like my husband and I are the only ones that remember her! Ok, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, you remember her! TALK ABOUT HER!!!! She is all I think about!! EVERY second of every day she is on my mind! Yes, you are afraid to make me sad so you don't breathe her name, but I am already sad! YOU wont make it worse by talking about her! Yes, its nearly been 9 months, but it was like yesterday to me! You not mentioning her doesn't mean I am not thinking about her, because I am, CONSTANTLY!!!

I'm angry at life, its not fair, its not just! We tried for so long to get pregnant, then we got pregnant and we were thrilled with every second we had with Sadie, then she was taken away from us! HOW IS THIS FAIR!??? Yet others just breath in and POOF pregnant, POOF baby crying in their arms! HOW IS THIS FAIR??? What have we done???

I'm angry, angry as angry can be....

I guess grief isn't really a process, its a wheel!! We come back to certain spots, just because we have experienced it before doesn't mean we wont again I guess!!

Sorry for my negativity, but maybe you understand, or not?!?!?!?!?

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Blog hop #2

This month, I have to say, I truly feel more hopeful! I don't even have to think about it, I DO FEEL HOPEFUL!

We recently met with two woman whom became a HUGE part of my life that 10th day of July! I will NEVER forget these two woman and all they have done for me. They have helped me in ways I can never express.
I got to meet with them both a few days ago, and it was such an amazing time. I haven't seen them both since the week I left the hospital, but we've been in touch! To see them again, to give them huge hugs, to talk with them, to cry with them, it was a huge point in this process of grief! They gave me hope....hope that maybe one day I will see a rainbow!   You see for a time, I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to see a rainbow for myself.

I've longed for, in fact prayed for the chance to see a rainbow...and now I know I have the hope that I just may in fact see MY rainbow!!

I know its just a little thing, and I am hoping its not all for not!

Even if my hope is dangling on a string in front of me, its there right?  And for that I am grateful!

Now I guess we just wait and see....will I see MY rainbow??!?!!?!?!?!??!  Time will tell!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Your Thoughts Please!!

So, I had a most beautiful video made by Malory at Every Life Has a Story. I have shared it with my friends in blog world, but have been hesitant to share it with my real life family and friends!

Well, there were a few times I felt ready to share it, but something always came up (surprise anniversary parties, new pregnancies, etc etc etc) and I didn't want to ruin their moments by making people sad!

I want so badly for everyone to know our baby! I think people forget she was real, she was alive, she is a HUGE part of my every second of every day! I want people to know her story! She was born in another state then we live, so not many people got to come to the hospital, and of the ones who came to the hospital, most didn't get to see her. She is my baby, I am so proud of her, I am so sad for her, I want to share her with everyone.

I'm just not sure how my real life friends will take it! So...what do you think?!?!?! Should I share the video via an e-mail attachment, or should I not? What do you think????

Thursday, March 10, 2011

"Time heals......."

"time heals" we've all heard it many times, I am sure.

I've been thinking about that statement lately..."time heals"

Today my Sadie would be 8 months old! 8 MONTHS!! WOW! I can't believe it has been 8 months since we last held her in our arms, since we last toughed her cheeks, held her hands, since we were last together as a family!

While I agree, I do not feel that enormous black cloud hanging over me, I am not "healed" by any means! My heart is still broken and aching from not having our baby in our warm embrace! My thoughts are constantly of her! Every baby that passes by.... Every pregnant woman I come across.... Every everything, my thoughts are of Sadie!

So then I ask "time heals"...WHAT? It certainly has not healed me.

I have come to conclude the only thing time heals is other peoples memory of what happened, their memory of what we lost, their memory that for me, time does not heal! Time does not heal the baby-less mother and father. Time does not heal that!

So please don't act like time has healed me. Don't be fooled by my smile, or my momentary display of happiness, don't be mislead if I act like I am ok, don't let my act of getting through the day let you think time has healed me! BECAUSE IT HAS NOT!!

Please don't forget!! Don't act like nothing happened! I haven't!!! And inside my body and my head, in the privacy of my room, I AM NOT HEALED! I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN ONE SINGLE BIT! Don't let me fool you.......

Sunday, February 20, 2011


"What has brought me hope lately???"

Well, as my post before this one shows, I felt content, even though it was so brief, I still felt it.

I have hope I will feel it again!
After our vaca, I have hope we are going to be ok.
I have hope I will see my baby again, I will hold her and wont let her go.

My husband has been amazing part of my hope. He gives me such hope I can almost feel it! He is so encouraging and supportive and patient!

I was once told a very long time ago that hope takes 2 things~ desire and expectation! Well I have both, so now I wait....

A foreign feeling...

It happened this past week while on vaca with my husband and in-laws. 

You see, I was sitting on my balcony, looking out over the turquoise ocean in a country that I truly love to be!  It was warm, the sun was shining, palm trees were swaying, and the waves were rocking.  I had this really weird feeling come over me, and as I sat contemplating what it could possibly be, it hit me!  I felt contentment!!!!  It felt so strange you see because I truly have not felt it in over seven months!  Content!  Wow!  I was content!  And then, the minute I realized what it was, instantly I felt pain in my arms, pain in my c-section scar area, pain in my heart....There it was and so quickly there it went! 

Contentment!  I felt it, it was over seven months since I had felt it, but there it was!  I hope I will feel it again sometime soon.....

Friday, January 28, 2011

The way it goes

Yesterday I went to the local book store to buy a pregnancy journal for a friend, I loved mine so I wanted her to have one too. I mustered up the courage to go in the baby section (with the help of my dear friend margarita) and I picked the finest one I could find. Walked up to the unsuspecting cashier who proceeded to congratulate me on my pregnancy!!!!! The horror of horrors! The poor cashier had no idea what he said but as the tears streamed down, I think he understood the journal was not for me :-(
I was told while in The hospital that the world is not kind to grieving parents and while my poor husband reminds me that quite frequently, I am starting to get it!! OUR world stops and changes, but the rest of the world does not, it can't.
So to all my fellow grieving parents, I am so sorry!! I am sorry for our losses! I am sorry for the unkind world! I am sorry, so very sorry for each one of us!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

What to do

What not to say to a grieving person

I found this recently and wanted to share.  I think grief is a seriously strong thing, everyone handles it differently.  I have come to realize people do not know what to do or say.  I don't think I even knew or now know what to do, its different for everyone.  Anyway, I found this and thought it interesting and wanted to share!

It's hard to know what to say to a grieving parent. Our own fear of loss can render us immobile. And sometimes people feel like they have to think of the "perfect" thing to say. There is no "perfect" thing to say. There is nothing you can say to heal the grief of losing a child. But acknowledging and supporting grief is a way to help healing. Please know that the effort of talking about the baby, the loss, and the sadness will be appreciated, even if it's not "perfect."

Some Things NOT to Say:

  • "It was God's will."
  • "It was meant to be" or "it was for the best."
  • "Your baby is in a better place now."
  • "Time heals all wounds."
  • "I know just how you feel." (Unless you have personally experienced the loss of a baby.)
  • "It's been ___ amount of time and aren't you over it yet? It's time to get on with your life."
  • "At least you have other children" or "At least you can have other children."
  • "Now you will have an angel in heaven."
- Snap out of it
- It wasn’t meant to be
- You must be strong
- You must move on
- God will never give you more than you can handle
- I understand
- It’s over with. Let’s not deal with it
- Get a hold of yourself
- Keep a stiff upper lip
- Pull yourself together
- Get back on the horse again
- It was God’s will
- You can always have other children
- You’re young
- Maybe God is trying to teach you a lesson
- Others have it worse than you
-What did you do wrong
- He wouldn’t have been healthy
- It is just nature’s way of dealing with a problem

How to Help

Please do not stay away or ignore the loss. Bereaved parents need your loving support. Not speaking about it does not lessen its reality. Bring up the subject, and be prepared for tears. Nothing you say will ever make the bereaved parent sadder than the reality of losing a child. Simply allowing a safe space for them to grieve without denying that grief is all that's required of you. Remember, it is usually the simple things you say or do that mean so much.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Another date come to pass...

This week was a hard week.  Monday, January 10th, our baby girl would have been 6 months old!  

I pondered over this for days and many a late hour.  How big would she be now?  What color would those eyes be?  Who would her personality be more like, me or her daddy?  How many diapers would we have changed by now?  On and on my mind explored the what should have been...

But here we are, six months along on this road of grief!  Six months along with our arms empty and our minds, hearts and bodies aching!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Good Riddance!!


I have to say, for me, I am quite happy to throw away my 2010 calendar!  What started out a great year, with pregnancy excitement and all, ended with shattered hope, lost love and feelings you'd never wish another to experience!

I cannot in all good honesty look back and smile on 2010 yet, I hope one day to have the peace to look back and see the good, but for now, I can't.  I guess that makes my glass half empty.  

Empty it is....