One year, 2 months and 1 week ago I held my baby girl, held on to her like I never wanted to let her go. Held on to her knowing it was the last time I'd hold her.
Since that time I've not held any other baby. It wasn't something I thought a lot about, its just something I could not do. (guess it might be due to the fact that I can't get within a few feet of a baby, yeah, that may be a secondary reason as to why I've not held another baby since I had to let go of my own)
Well, this morning at a friends house it happened....not by choice, it kinda just happened. They have friends staying with them, who have a baby boy who is just a bit younger than Sadie would be. Well, the husband walked in and handed me his son and next thing I knew I was holding on to this baby boy tears streaming down my face. What felt like an eternity later, but was probably only minutes later, the dad took the baby and left (don't think he saw what transpired as I hope I was successful at hiding my tears in my hair). Well, I made a bee line for the bathroom and broke out in hysterical crying and sobbing!
It was horrible! I didn't like it! Im not glad it happened! I dont feel i accaomplished of overcame anything! I feel like it actually set me back, back to months ago, back, not ahead!! I didnt face anything except the fact im not ever going to forget my baby girl and that time i got to hold and love her! It hurt so bad! Made me feel sick to my stomach! I know many would call it a "release" but I don't know that it was. I don't feel I accomplished anything other than torturing myself! It was so horrible. My Sadie should be a bit older than he, she should be in our arms, she should be here with us!!! It just made me miss her more and made me feel sadder which I don't know how that is even possible!!
One year, 2 months and 1 week later, I miss you even more my baby girl! Mommy never forgets a thing about you and our brief time together! I love you forever and ever!!
Hummingbirds remind me of my Sadie~tiny, gorgeous, and perfect! I was nearly kissed on my cheek by one my first week home from the hospital as I sat on my proch, there began my love for humming birds! I particularly love the ones with green on them as I imagine Sadie would have had green eyes like her daddy and myself!!
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3 comments:
I still have moments 2 1/2 years later where my heart sinks when I hold a baby....I don't think that feeling will ever go away....
I still have moments where my heart skips a beat when I see a little girl the age that Lily would be...Sending you ((hugs))
oh, so hard. i agree w/ the other comments, i just don't think this is going to go away. you're in my thoughts and prayers.
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