So last night after the meeting I was at ended, I was sitting there listening to everything around me, and I heard a lot of laughs, which made me think...where did my laugh go?
Seriously, where did it go? I started thinking and thinking...not only did my laugh disappear, but I don't find things funny like before!
Im not talking about any old laugh, I am talking about a GENUINE, NON FORCED LAUGH!! We all can "stage" a laugh, but a REAL laugh!?
So I was asking my husband about this, and he said he felt the same way. He doesn't find things quite so funny either. Things just don't seem as funny anymore to either of us!
Then we started thinking about times we have laughed over the last 14 1/2 months, and we couldn't recall any that didn't include each other. So yes, we have laughed, but only with each other! Or, yes I have laughed while watching t.v., but thats it!
I was feeling a lil discouraged at this realization. We went out to a local pub with some friends on the way home after the meeting and it happened....I laughed! A real, true, genuine laugh! It felt SOO good!
So I come to the conclusion....maybe I did loose some of my laugh, maybe now after going through such trauma and loss and real serious junk, maybe things aren't as "light" as before. I now know darkness, I now have experienced things most people my age have not, and this separates me, this makes things that those who have not experienced what I have think entertaining, seem very trivial!
This brings me to alienation!
Someone said to me the other day she felt "so alienated, not being able to help or do anything". This got me thinking and irritated! She feels alienated!?!!??!?! Are you kidding!?!?! How the heck do you think I feel? I feel like I have absolutely NOTHING in common with anyone!!!
My baby is dead! She had to be abruptly taken from me! She isn't getting to be the happy little beautiful girl she deserves to be! She rests in an urn by my bedside! I may not have another chance at having another baby! I have to live and breathe around babies and pregnant women all the time!!!!
And you are telling me YOU feel alienated!?!? HELLO!!!! What the heck is wrong with people!!!!!!!!!!!
Hummingbirds remind me of my Sadie~tiny, gorgeous, and perfect! I was nearly kissed on my cheek by one my first week home from the hospital as I sat on my proch, there began my love for humming birds! I particularly love the ones with green on them as I imagine Sadie would have had green eyes like her daddy and myself!!
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2 comments:
hmm she has NO idea what it feels like to be alienated!
I agree about the laugh being gone. Every great once in a while I catch myself laughing (a real laugh) and it surprises me every time...since when did laughing seem surprising...oh yeah after December 4th :( The first time I noticed I laughed for real was after watching Bridesmaids with my girlfriends it was so nice to cry because I was laughing too hard and not because of grief!
People just do not know. They don't understand and they speak way out of turn. Let your self just feel what you need to. You will laugh again when your heart is ready. Grief is such a hard thing and no one can put a time table on it or explain it in any way. We are all so different in how we feel. Im sorry she said that.
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