I am having a real hard today and yesterday with missing my baby girl Sadie!
I guess it started with a recent task I was given which made me kinda re-live what happened the 4 weeks leading up to Sadies birth and death day, the day my life forever changed, the day all the junk hit the fan!!! (And I'm sure my going through the only pictures I have of Sadie (taken via a phone camera) examining her lil features, noticing everyone was wrong about her mouth, its not my grandmother, (its my husbands side of the family) trying to put all my senses into remembering that last and only time I held my baby girl didn't help! It made me miss her all the more if that's possible!
I thought I did pretty good, and was feeling emotionally stable! Well that all got flushed down the toilet when out of nowhere I started crying, crying for my baby girl that should be snuggled in my arms, playing with her favorite stuffed animal, and getting all the love we can give! Then today, At work, I balled! Yup, straight up balled for my baby girl, my heart hurts so bad, my arms ache, my stomach is sick, my insides are in pain. I want my baby girl, I want her in our arms. Its not fair she doesn't get the chance to feel mommy and daddy gushing over how perfect she is, she doesn't get to know all the people in her life who love her like mad, she doesn't get to grow up and do all the things little and big girls get to do.
I am very sad and mad today! Its just so not fair!
Hummingbirds remind me of my Sadie~tiny, gorgeous, and perfect! I was nearly kissed on my cheek by one my first week home from the hospital as I sat on my proch, there began my love for humming birds! I particularly love the ones with green on them as I imagine Sadie would have had green eyes like her daddy and myself!!
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2 comments:
I'm sorry you are having such a hard day today. I wish Sadie could be with you also: It all just isn't fair.
Thinking of you...
I'm so sorry. I don't feel better about Sadie being gone and your terrible open wound. You have said it more than once in your blog and you are right: time going by just doesn't make this any better. Cry as many tears as you have. Know that you are doing really good, and you are emotionally stable. If you were't suffering as you are, you wouldn't be human! But you are, and more than that: You are Sadie's mother. You've got every right in the world to be sad and mad.
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