Sadie Quinn Baker from Every Life Has A Story

Becky & Zak lost their first born child, Sadie Quinn, on July 10th, 2010 due to pre-eclampsia & HELLP syndrome at 24 weeks pregnant.

Hummingbirds remind me of my Sadie~tiny, gorgeous, and perfect! I was nearly kissed on my cheek by one my first week home from the hospital as I sat on my proch, there began my love for humming birds! I particularly love the ones with green on them as I imagine Sadie would have had green eyes like her daddy and myself!!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Is it a "stage"??

So, I've been told about, I've read about, I thought I'd experienced it,but here I am again....ANGER!!

I know its part of the grieving process, but I thought I went through anger already! How am I here again! No, I take it back, I am there again, but wow, so much more intense!

I'm angry, (thats the kindest way I can put it, angry!) I am so very very angry, angry at EVERYTHING! I will put it in order:

I'm angry that my baby girl isn't alive, she isn't having her first anything...she is in a tiny urn sitting next to my bed! How is that fair?! She should be in our arms, she should be showered with hugs and kisses and all sorts of attention! But there she lies, in that lil urn...She should be alive, she should be breathing, laughing, smiling, crying.....

I'm angry that I feel like my husband and I are the only ones that remember her! Ok, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, you remember her! TALK ABOUT HER!!!! She is all I think about!! EVERY second of every day she is on my mind! Yes, you are afraid to make me sad so you don't breathe her name, but I am already sad! YOU wont make it worse by talking about her! Yes, its nearly been 9 months, but it was like yesterday to me! You not mentioning her doesn't mean I am not thinking about her, because I am, CONSTANTLY!!!

I'm angry at life, its not fair, its not just! We tried for so long to get pregnant, then we got pregnant and we were thrilled with every second we had with Sadie, then she was taken away from us! HOW IS THIS FAIR!??? Yet others just breath in and POOF pregnant, POOF baby crying in their arms! HOW IS THIS FAIR??? What have we done???

I'm angry, angry as angry can be....

I guess grief isn't really a process, its a wheel!! We come back to certain spots, just because we have experienced it before doesn't mean we wont again I guess!!

Sorry for my negativity, but maybe you understand, or not?!?!?!?!?


Sherri said...

Let it out! Scream, rage, hit something (well something that won't mind being hit!) Do anything that helps get you through this! It's such an awful feeling, the anger. Sorry that you're feeling this way right now.. and you are so right. It's not fair!!
Don't apologize for the negativity.. you have every right to be pissed off!
Sending hugs!

Molly said...

I am angry too! It is frustrating to say the least to try to get my family to talk about my son. Most of my friends do so but my family doesn't. Did you ever share the video? That may be a way to bring it up to them--send it in an email letting people know how you feel. Just a thought.

paula said...

i have every right to be whatever you need to be.

Becky said...

I am only at 3 months and still incredibly angry. Angry because Liam died and angry because I want to talk about him and family acts like he we should just forget or think it'll hurt me. But like you said, we are already hurting so bringing it up isn't going to make things worse and I"m still going to think of him.
I understand the trying for so long to get pregnant(took us 2 years) and then to lose your baby while others have no issues getting pregnant, no issues with the pregnancy, and then they have their baby in their arms- NOT FAIR!
Like Sherri said- scream or hit something if you need to
HUGS and praying for better days

My New Normal said...

I can completely relate to what you have written. Grief is such a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes I wish I could get off for a while and take a break. So sorry you are feeling so angry right now. Hopefully you will be able to find some joy today. Hugs.