So, I was flipping through the lovely guide on my tv, and I saw a show, "babys first day"....I know, I know, but I felt compelled to look at what it was about. So I did, and it was about a mom who had a history of pre-eclampsia with her first pregnancy, so they were doing an automatic c-section at 38 weeks. So I decided to watch it! I know! What was I thinking! Watching a show about a mom with pre-eclampsia and c-section?!?!?! WHAT!!!!???
So I watched it, and I am still trying to decide if it was helpful or harmful!?!
Watching it brought back a FLOOD of memories and emotions! I guess I hadn't really remembered a lot of the surgery or the feeling I had when I knew they had gotten Sadie out, but I heard nothing....no crying, no nothing except the sound of the NICU scurrying around to try to do something to save Sadie.
Watching it I felt like I was watching me getting the spinal epi, watching me lye on the table, watching me waiting for the epidural to kick in, watching me shaking uncontrollably til the point where they had to tie my arms down to keep my from hitting the surgeon, watching me when the nurse came over while they were working on Sadie asking if I wanted her to be christened, watching me as they told me she didn't make it, watching me as they handed me my baby for the first time, watching me hold my dead baby girl, watching me dazed and confused wondering how I got to this point!
So watching the show I was crying and crying! Even when they pulled the healthy baby out I cried, in fact I cried even harder because I didn't experience that! I didn't hear my baby girl cry, she didn't get to be put in my arms for comfort, she didn't get to meet everyone, she didn't have her first day...she only had her first minutes!
So while I think I benefited from a little remembering, it certainly doesn't make it any easier!
I love you my baby girl, always and forever
Hummingbirds remind me of my Sadie~tiny, gorgeous, and perfect! I was nearly kissed on my cheek by one my first week home from the hospital as I sat on my proch, there began my love for humming birds! I particularly love the ones with green on them as I imagine Sadie would have had green eyes like her daddy and myself!!
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4 comments:
Becky,
I too have fell to the grip of pregnancy shows...I cry the whole time. I guess its in my nature to see what it would have been like...the hard part is knowing that I may never get the chance to really experience what I watch. Hugs mama...your brave
~Felicia
You are brave! I love you!
Self-inflicted torture...I do that too. I think sometimes we need that release that forced remembering of specific things. I don't know how helpful it is just after, but I think it may be helpful a week or so later once you have been able to work through those emotions.
Becky,
How are you doin? I think of you and Sadie often xoxo
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