So driving with my nephew (he is 6) the other day he asks me "zia, are you ever going to have a baby?". Knife in the heart #1!!
I say "I do have a baby!"
He says, "not a cat zia, a baby!". Knife in the heart #2!
I say, "I do have a real baby, remember her name is Sadie, for now she is safe in Gods memory!"
He says, "no zia a real baby like H is having!". Knife in the heart #3!!!
At this point my mother sees I am struggling so very hard so she steps in with some comment about who knows what!!
Breaks my heart my own nephews don't remember my baby girl! They don't remember anything about her existence!!!
I know I really shouldn't be surprised, no one (besides me) talks about Sadie, or about what happened to her, it's so sad and maddening because look what has happened...even her own family has forgotten her! What or who is next to forget???
Not me my baby girl! I will NEVER EVER EVER forget my beautiful precious baby girl!! I love you forever and ever!!
Hummingbirds remind me of my Sadie~tiny, gorgeous, and perfect! I was nearly kissed on my cheek by one my first week home from the hospital as I sat on my proch, there began my love for humming birds! I particularly love the ones with green on them as I imagine Sadie would have had green eyes like her daddy and myself!!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Im having a really hard Sadie Day...
I am having a real hard today and yesterday with missing my baby girl Sadie!
I guess it started with a recent task I was given which made me kinda re-live what happened the 4 weeks leading up to Sadies birth and death day, the day my life forever changed, the day all the junk hit the fan!!! (And I'm sure my going through the only pictures I have of Sadie (taken via a phone camera) examining her lil features, noticing everyone was wrong about her mouth, its not my grandmother, (its my husbands side of the family) trying to put all my senses into remembering that last and only time I held my baby girl didn't help! It made me miss her all the more if that's possible!
I thought I did pretty good, and was feeling emotionally stable! Well that all got flushed down the toilet when out of nowhere I started crying, crying for my baby girl that should be snuggled in my arms, playing with her favorite stuffed animal, and getting all the love we can give! Then today, At work, I balled! Yup, straight up balled for my baby girl, my heart hurts so bad, my arms ache, my stomach is sick, my insides are in pain. I want my baby girl, I want her in our arms. Its not fair she doesn't get the chance to feel mommy and daddy gushing over how perfect she is, she doesn't get to know all the people in her life who love her like mad, she doesn't get to grow up and do all the things little and big girls get to do.
I am very sad and mad today! Its just so not fair!
I guess it started with a recent task I was given which made me kinda re-live what happened the 4 weeks leading up to Sadies birth and death day, the day my life forever changed, the day all the junk hit the fan!!! (And I'm sure my going through the only pictures I have of Sadie (taken via a phone camera) examining her lil features, noticing everyone was wrong about her mouth, its not my grandmother, (its my husbands side of the family) trying to put all my senses into remembering that last and only time I held my baby girl didn't help! It made me miss her all the more if that's possible!
I thought I did pretty good, and was feeling emotionally stable! Well that all got flushed down the toilet when out of nowhere I started crying, crying for my baby girl that should be snuggled in my arms, playing with her favorite stuffed animal, and getting all the love we can give! Then today, At work, I balled! Yup, straight up balled for my baby girl, my heart hurts so bad, my arms ache, my stomach is sick, my insides are in pain. I want my baby girl, I want her in our arms. Its not fair she doesn't get the chance to feel mommy and daddy gushing over how perfect she is, she doesn't get to know all the people in her life who love her like mad, she doesn't get to grow up and do all the things little and big girls get to do.
I am very sad and mad today! Its just so not fair!
Monday, August 15, 2011
A recent dream!
This weekend I had a dream, I was so peaceful and it was so beautiful!
As you know, we got a kitten, Lola, a few months ago...and we love her, love her like she was a real baby girl!
Well, I had a dream that I was walking Lola on a string (I know, makes no sense) and she twisted and turned into a baby girl! At first I thought it was Sadie, but it wasn't, it was a baby girl with blonde curly hair (like my husband had when he was young)! She was in a crisp white dress, blonde curly hair, and she was twirling and laughing and I felt happy, so happy and so peaceful!
It was so strange, but it was so nice! I was sad i hadn't dreamt it was Sadie, but it was so peaceful and happy, I couldn't stop it!
Now don't worry, I'm not dressing my kitten up like a lil baby girl (though the thought did cross my mind :-) ) Just a dream, ,but it was nice to experience the calm and genuine happiness, no matter how brief it was!
As you know, we got a kitten, Lola, a few months ago...and we love her, love her like she was a real baby girl!
Well, I had a dream that I was walking Lola on a string (I know, makes no sense) and she twisted and turned into a baby girl! At first I thought it was Sadie, but it wasn't, it was a baby girl with blonde curly hair (like my husband had when he was young)! She was in a crisp white dress, blonde curly hair, and she was twirling and laughing and I felt happy, so happy and so peaceful!
It was so strange, but it was so nice! I was sad i hadn't dreamt it was Sadie, but it was so peaceful and happy, I couldn't stop it!
Now don't worry, I'm not dressing my kitten up like a lil baby girl (though the thought did cross my mind :-) ) Just a dream, ,but it was nice to experience the calm and genuine happiness, no matter how brief it was!
Friday, August 12, 2011
It happened again...
I had to buy another baby gift, this tine I thought would be easier as it could only be ordered online. And so it went, I ordered the crib which was hard in itself as I had finally found the crib we wanted and had planned to order it the week that ended up being the week I spent in a New York hospital after loosing Sadie! So Sadie never got her crib! We never had a crib to set up (or set down for that fact)
So I ordered the crib and it finally came! The UPS man who delivered it I've known for years, the sweetest man! I can't say for sure if he knows what happened but now I have a feeling he must. The crib weighed a ton and the poor man had to carry it up our big hill in the hot humid heat, i felt so bad for him, it wasnt fair. The is how the conversation went when he delivered the crib to my front door:
me-"I'm so sorry about that I had no idea it was so large, it's a gift and could only be ordered online". UPS man- "it's ok, I was hoping it was for you". Me-"don't I wish" UPS-"I'm so sorry!"
So yes I guess he knows what happened!
Once again a Diaster baby purchase!
Will any baby purchase not be a Diaster??
So I ordered the crib and it finally came! The UPS man who delivered it I've known for years, the sweetest man! I can't say for sure if he knows what happened but now I have a feeling he must. The crib weighed a ton and the poor man had to carry it up our big hill in the hot humid heat, i felt so bad for him, it wasnt fair. The is how the conversation went when he delivered the crib to my front door:
me-"I'm so sorry about that I had no idea it was so large, it's a gift and could only be ordered online". UPS man- "it's ok, I was hoping it was for you". Me-"don't I wish" UPS-"I'm so sorry!"
So yes I guess he knows what happened!
Once again a Diaster baby purchase!
Will any baby purchase not be a Diaster??
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