Forced Remembering...

So, I was flipping through the lovely guide on my tv, and I saw a show, "babys first day"....I know, I know, but I felt compelled to look at what it was about. So I did, and it was about a mom who had a history of pre-eclampsia with her first pregnancy, so they were doing an automatic c-section at 38 weeks. So I decided to watch it! I know! What was I thinking! Watching a show about a mom with pre-eclampsia and c-section?!?!?! WHAT!!!!???

So I watched it, and I am still trying to decide if it was helpful or harmful!?!
Watching it brought back a FLOOD of memories and emotions! I guess I hadn't really remembered a lot of the surgery or the feeling I had when I knew they had gotten Sadie out, but I heard nothing....no crying, no nothing except the sound of the NICU scurrying around to try to do something to save Sadie.

Watching it I felt like I was watching me getting the spinal epi, watching me lye on the table, watching me waiting for the epidural to kick in, watching me shaking uncontrollably til the point where they had to tie my arms down to keep my from hitting the surgeon, watching me when the nurse came over while they were working on Sadie asking if I wanted her to be christened, watching me as they told me she didn't make it, watching me as they handed me my baby for the first time, watching me hold my dead baby girl, watching me dazed and confused wondering how I got to this point!

So watching the show I was crying and crying! Even when they pulled the healthy baby out I cried, in fact I cried even harder because I didn't experience that! I didn't hear my baby girl cry, she didn't get to be put in my arms for comfort, she didn't get to meet everyone, she didn't have her first day...she only had her first minutes!

So while I think I benefited from a little remembering, it certainly doesn't make it any easier!

I love you my baby girl, always and forever