Yes I took a line from Chris Isaac!!
Anyway, yup, I did something I shouldn't have! I'll back up...
So when all horribleness broke out and I was in the hospital in NYC, just lost Sadie, horribleness, just horribleness, my amazing sister-in-law, M, along with 2 of my good friends, J & K, went into our house and emptied Sadies nursery, and my entire house of anything baby! They put it in bins and took it to my in-laws where it's been untouched til now...
Here's where I did the bad thing! It's been one year, one week and a few days since we lost Sadie and I decided to go into the bin at my in-laws to look for the calendar and journal I kept during my pregnancy for Sadie! I opened the bin and I can't even tell you what I felt! If any of you BLMs have done the same thing I am confident you know what I felt! It was awful, wonderful and tragically sad all at once! It was so wonderful to be near her things again and to remember what it felt like to be happy, excited, and hopeful! it was awful to see the new items that should be worn out and stained by now! It was awful to see the clothes she never got to wear! It was so sad to feel that pain of loosing her all over again and having to say goodbye as I closed it up and put it back, back into storage! Those things shouldn't be in storage, they should be on her, in her nursery, all over the house!
Who says time heals anyways! I think it must be someone who hasn't felt this loss, someone who has absolutely no clue, no sense of reality! Times doesn't heal, it just makes you miss them all the more and hurt all over again!
So yes, Becky did a bad bad thing....
Hummingbirds remind me of my Sadie~tiny, gorgeous, and perfect! I was nearly kissed on my cheek by one my first week home from the hospital as I sat on my proch, there began my love for humming birds! I particularly love the ones with green on them as I imagine Sadie would have had green eyes like her daddy and myself!!
Friday, July 22, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
One Year Ago Today...
One year ago today our dear Sadie Quinn was born. She lived only a few minutes.
One year ago today I lay in a hospital bed in disbelief that my baby was taken from me, and now lying in my arms not breathing, her heart not beating, dead!
One year ago my life changed like I never imagined. Like I never planned it to. I became a mother. A mother to a beautiful and in my eyes, a perfect baby girl.
There are ones that forget that I am a mother, forget that Sadie lived, forget what happened that horrific day on year ago today. But I will never forget. I will never let go of the life our daughter lived. I will never let her memory fade or her funny ways slip from my heart and mind.
I have relived every moment of the week leading up to Sadie's birth: The day we finished her nursery. The day we hung her pink baby Red Sox hat. The day I bought her first pair of shoes. My last OB visit. The fear I had when everything started going wrong...not fear for myself, but fear for my baby. The shock of hearing that we had to have a c-section to try to save us. The utter horror of the NICU informing me they couldn't save Sadie. The first time I held her in my arms while they were still operating on me. The last gasp of air she took. The look on my husbands face when I saw him walk into the post-op room. The look of utter despair on his face as he held Sadie the first time. Showing her to my mom, my dad, my brothers, sister and sisters-in-law, and my husbands sister. The last prayer my hisband, Sadie and I shared together as a family. The nurse coming to take Sadie away, for the last time. Picking Sadie up at the funeral home in NYC in her tiny little urn. The long drive home with Sadie between my husband and I, in an urn, not in her car seat as she should have been.
One year ago today...today July 10th 2011 Sadie would be one year old.
I miss my baby girl every second of every day. Not a moment goes by that I don't miss or love my Sadie!
Till I see you again my beautiful, perfect baby girl...mommy and daddy love you
One year ago today I lay in a hospital bed in disbelief that my baby was taken from me, and now lying in my arms not breathing, her heart not beating, dead!
One year ago my life changed like I never imagined. Like I never planned it to. I became a mother. A mother to a beautiful and in my eyes, a perfect baby girl.
There are ones that forget that I am a mother, forget that Sadie lived, forget what happened that horrific day on year ago today. But I will never forget. I will never let go of the life our daughter lived. I will never let her memory fade or her funny ways slip from my heart and mind.
I have relived every moment of the week leading up to Sadie's birth: The day we finished her nursery. The day we hung her pink baby Red Sox hat. The day I bought her first pair of shoes. My last OB visit. The fear I had when everything started going wrong...not fear for myself, but fear for my baby. The shock of hearing that we had to have a c-section to try to save us. The utter horror of the NICU informing me they couldn't save Sadie. The first time I held her in my arms while they were still operating on me. The last gasp of air she took. The look on my husbands face when I saw him walk into the post-op room. The look of utter despair on his face as he held Sadie the first time. Showing her to my mom, my dad, my brothers, sister and sisters-in-law, and my husbands sister. The last prayer my hisband, Sadie and I shared together as a family. The nurse coming to take Sadie away, for the last time. Picking Sadie up at the funeral home in NYC in her tiny little urn. The long drive home with Sadie between my husband and I, in an urn, not in her car seat as she should have been.
One year ago today...today July 10th 2011 Sadie would be one year old.
I miss my baby girl every second of every day. Not a moment goes by that I don't miss or love my Sadie!
Till I see you again my beautiful, perfect baby girl...mommy and daddy love you
Saturday, July 9, 2011
A few questions...?
I found myself wondering the following questions today:
What the heck is wrong with people?
Do people have no care, concern or fellow feelings for other people?
As I pondered these questions I came to the conclusion that people forget! Bottom line that is my belief, people forget that you had a baby and that baby died after birth! People forget the utter despair that has continued from that day forward! People forget you are still grieving! People forget!
Well from this day on I am done! I'm done putting myself through torture to pacify everyone else...because I now know it doesn't matter, it'll never be enough! I'm done forgoing my comfort and sanity for people who don't return the respect! No more will I let people walk all over me...I AM DONE!!!!
What the heck is wrong with people?
Do people have no care, concern or fellow feelings for other people?
As I pondered these questions I came to the conclusion that people forget! Bottom line that is my belief, people forget that you had a baby and that baby died after birth! People forget the utter despair that has continued from that day forward! People forget you are still grieving! People forget!
Well from this day on I am done! I'm done putting myself through torture to pacify everyone else...because I now know it doesn't matter, it'll never be enough! I'm done forgoing my comfort and sanity for people who don't return the respect! No more will I let people walk all over me...I AM DONE!!!!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
This week one year ago...
Wow, I didn't expect it to be like this! We never do right...
Yesterday was July 4th, what was I doing one year ago July 4th? We just finished Sadies nursery! The paint was just finished, Helium pink, no VOC paint, perfect for our precious cargo soon to arrive. Shame was she never got to see her beautiful nursery!
On the 10th our Sadie would turn one year old! One year! Wow!
We sat on the beach yesterday, my husband and I, talking about one year ago, how excited we were, newly finished nursery, baby on the way....what a difference a year makes, huh?
I hate people, I hate what life has given (or not given) us, I hate that Sadie isn't here with us, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!
I know none of us in the dead baby club looks forward to the anniversary of loosing our baby, but I really am not looking forward to this. One year, one year, one year! How do we get through this??
Today, doing errands, I drove with the windows wide open, hair flying around like crazy, music playing. I thought how I haven't really let me hair down like that in a while. I really haven't listened to music and enjoyed it. I haven't sang along to the songs. And here I am, just a few days before our Sadie should be turning one, doing all these things I haven't done in years!
I hope this means I am "getting somewhere", that I am progressing and learning to live with this mess we have been dealt. Learning to live with my heart broken and part of my life gone forever!
In just a few days, it will be one year ago that we lost our baby girl, our future, our hopes, our dreams, part of our life! One year ago that our lives changed forever.....
Yesterday was July 4th, what was I doing one year ago July 4th? We just finished Sadies nursery! The paint was just finished, Helium pink, no VOC paint, perfect for our precious cargo soon to arrive. Shame was she never got to see her beautiful nursery!
On the 10th our Sadie would turn one year old! One year! Wow!
We sat on the beach yesterday, my husband and I, talking about one year ago, how excited we were, newly finished nursery, baby on the way....what a difference a year makes, huh?
I hate people, I hate what life has given (or not given) us, I hate that Sadie isn't here with us, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!!!
I know none of us in the dead baby club looks forward to the anniversary of loosing our baby, but I really am not looking forward to this. One year, one year, one year! How do we get through this??
Today, doing errands, I drove with the windows wide open, hair flying around like crazy, music playing. I thought how I haven't really let me hair down like that in a while. I really haven't listened to music and enjoyed it. I haven't sang along to the songs. And here I am, just a few days before our Sadie should be turning one, doing all these things I haven't done in years!
I hope this means I am "getting somewhere", that I am progressing and learning to live with this mess we have been dealt. Learning to live with my heart broken and part of my life gone forever!
In just a few days, it will be one year ago that we lost our baby girl, our future, our hopes, our dreams, part of our life! One year ago that our lives changed forever.....
Friday, July 1, 2011
Lola
Well, we've done it!
We got a kitten! A beautiful Maine coon kitten that we've named Lola!
Holding her on the car ride home I cried! Cried my eyes out! I know she is just a kitten, but she is the closet thing I've held since last holding my baby girl! Lola is 12 weeks, so she is still small! Holding her I flashed back to holding Sadie in the hospital almost one year ago :-(
We shouldn't be holding a kitten, we should be holding our nearly one year old baby girl!!
But we aren't, we can't! For now we will long for the time when we can hold her in our arms again!
We love you Sadie more than words will ever express! You are never off out of our thoughts, never out of out hearts, you are always with us, our baby girl, we miss & love you!!
We got a kitten! A beautiful Maine coon kitten that we've named Lola!
Holding her on the car ride home I cried! Cried my eyes out! I know she is just a kitten, but she is the closet thing I've held since last holding my baby girl! Lola is 12 weeks, so she is still small! Holding her I flashed back to holding Sadie in the hospital almost one year ago :-(
We shouldn't be holding a kitten, we should be holding our nearly one year old baby girl!!
But we aren't, we can't! For now we will long for the time when we can hold her in our arms again!
We love you Sadie more than words will ever express! You are never off out of our thoughts, never out of out hearts, you are always with us, our baby girl, we miss & love you!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
