So last night after the meeting I was at ended, I was sitting there listening to everything around me, and I heard a lot of laughs, which made me think...where did my laugh go?
Seriously, where did it go? I started thinking and thinking...not only did my laugh disappear, but I don't find things funny like before!
Im not talking about any old laugh, I am talking about a GENUINE, NON FORCED LAUGH!! We all can "stage" a laugh, but a REAL laugh!?
So I was asking my husband about this, and he said he felt the same way. He doesn't find things quite so funny either. Things just don't seem as funny anymore to either of us!
Then we started thinking about times we have laughed over the last 14 1/2 months, and we couldn't recall any that didn't include each other. So yes, we have laughed, but only with each other! Or, yes I have laughed while watching t.v., but thats it!
I was feeling a lil discouraged at this realization. We went out to a local pub with some friends on the way home after the meeting and it happened....I laughed! A real, true, genuine laugh! It felt SOO good!
So I come to the conclusion....maybe I did loose some of my laugh, maybe now after going through such trauma and loss and real serious junk, maybe things aren't as "light" as before. I now know darkness, I now have experienced things most people my age have not, and this separates me, this makes things that those who have not experienced what I have think entertaining, seem very trivial!
This brings me to alienation!
Someone said to me the other day she felt "so alienated, not being able to help or do anything". This got me thinking and irritated! She feels alienated!?!!??!?! Are you kidding!?!?! How the heck do you think I feel? I feel like I have absolutely NOTHING in common with anyone!!!
My baby is dead! She had to be abruptly taken from me! She isn't getting to be the happy little beautiful girl she deserves to be! She rests in an urn by my bedside! I may not have another chance at having another baby! I have to live and breathe around babies and pregnant women all the time!!!!
And you are telling me YOU feel alienated!?!? HELLO!!!! What the heck is wrong with people!!!!!!!!!!!
Hummingbirds remind me of my Sadie~tiny, gorgeous, and perfect! I was nearly kissed on my cheek by one my first week home from the hospital as I sat on my proch, there began my love for humming birds! I particularly love the ones with green on them as I imagine Sadie would have had green eyes like her daddy and myself!!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
It finally happened!!!
One year, 2 months and 1 week ago I held my baby girl, held on to her like I never wanted to let her go. Held on to her knowing it was the last time I'd hold her.
Since that time I've not held any other baby. It wasn't something I thought a lot about, its just something I could not do. (guess it might be due to the fact that I can't get within a few feet of a baby, yeah, that may be a secondary reason as to why I've not held another baby since I had to let go of my own)
Well, this morning at a friends house it happened....not by choice, it kinda just happened. They have friends staying with them, who have a baby boy who is just a bit younger than Sadie would be. Well, the husband walked in and handed me his son and next thing I knew I was holding on to this baby boy tears streaming down my face. What felt like an eternity later, but was probably only minutes later, the dad took the baby and left (don't think he saw what transpired as I hope I was successful at hiding my tears in my hair). Well, I made a bee line for the bathroom and broke out in hysterical crying and sobbing!
It was horrible! I didn't like it! Im not glad it happened! I dont feel i accaomplished of overcame anything! I feel like it actually set me back, back to months ago, back, not ahead!! I didnt face anything except the fact im not ever going to forget my baby girl and that time i got to hold and love her! It hurt so bad! Made me feel sick to my stomach! I know many would call it a "release" but I don't know that it was. I don't feel I accomplished anything other than torturing myself! It was so horrible. My Sadie should be a bit older than he, she should be in our arms, she should be here with us!!! It just made me miss her more and made me feel sadder which I don't know how that is even possible!!
One year, 2 months and 1 week later, I miss you even more my baby girl! Mommy never forgets a thing about you and our brief time together! I love you forever and ever!!
Since that time I've not held any other baby. It wasn't something I thought a lot about, its just something I could not do. (guess it might be due to the fact that I can't get within a few feet of a baby, yeah, that may be a secondary reason as to why I've not held another baby since I had to let go of my own)
Well, this morning at a friends house it happened....not by choice, it kinda just happened. They have friends staying with them, who have a baby boy who is just a bit younger than Sadie would be. Well, the husband walked in and handed me his son and next thing I knew I was holding on to this baby boy tears streaming down my face. What felt like an eternity later, but was probably only minutes later, the dad took the baby and left (don't think he saw what transpired as I hope I was successful at hiding my tears in my hair). Well, I made a bee line for the bathroom and broke out in hysterical crying and sobbing!
It was horrible! I didn't like it! Im not glad it happened! I dont feel i accaomplished of overcame anything! I feel like it actually set me back, back to months ago, back, not ahead!! I didnt face anything except the fact im not ever going to forget my baby girl and that time i got to hold and love her! It hurt so bad! Made me feel sick to my stomach! I know many would call it a "release" but I don't know that it was. I don't feel I accomplished anything other than torturing myself! It was so horrible. My Sadie should be a bit older than he, she should be in our arms, she should be here with us!!! It just made me miss her more and made me feel sadder which I don't know how that is even possible!!
One year, 2 months and 1 week later, I miss you even more my baby girl! Mommy never forgets a thing about you and our brief time together! I love you forever and ever!!
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