Yes, there is the obvious "way it turned out"...my baby not being able to leave the hospital and come home like "normal" babies!
Over the past few months, lots has been going on. I have been in stitches over the impending birth of a new family member. In stitches because it stinks for the obvious reasons most BLM's understand what I'm talking about...
I was terribly afraid, afraid of how it would make ME and hubby feel. I haven't held a baby since I last held mine in the hospital. I couldn't hold another, I felt a wealth of emotions as to why not. Disloyalty, fear, sadness, desire, anger, physical pain...the list goes on and on. I was in fear of the whole hospital situation for obvious reasons...last time I was in one it didn't go so well!
So anyway, it happened, baby was born, I hemmed and hawed and once again overcame myself and made it to the hospital, however brief my visit was, the point is I made it there! I walked in and I held that baby!
Then came the next hurdle baby coming home (yes, the baby lived feet from me). Baby came home, and it was ok. I actually went to hold the baby everyday I could. I realized over the past two weeks baby has been home, it was helpful, it was a kinda therapy for hubby and I to have the baby near and to hold baby, etc. It was great. Even tho we received some real bad news, it didn't seem so bad, we handled it surprisingly well, and I think it is because we had a lil baby so near!
Well, like all my stories it ends bad for me. Baby and parents moved a few towns away. We were so busy helping them move and prepare the new house, we didn't stop until....until the house was empty and baby was gone and there we were, JUST THE TWO OF US AGAIN! ALL ALONE! BABY GONE! It felt a fraction like saying bye to Sadie.
I know its silly, they are just a few towns away, but it is what it is, I can't explain in!
I hate change! I hate loss! I hate it ALL!!!
Hummingbirds remind me of my Sadie~tiny, gorgeous, and perfect! I was nearly kissed on my cheek by one my first week home from the hospital as I sat on my proch, there began my love for humming birds! I particularly love the ones with green on them as I imagine Sadie would have had green eyes like her daddy and myself!!
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3 comments:
Change and I don't have a good relationship either. I'm so sorry parts of this had you reliving those first moments of saddness. I hope the space between you becomes less of an issue and you are able to get a good visiting schedule down.
So many hugs.
Love you Becky Becky sending hugs and kisses....your always in my thoughts and prayers, my heart aches for you and the pain and loss of your sweet baby girl.
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