Thank you!!!!

I know I could have written this is my comments under my last post, but I felt it needed it's own post...

THANK YOU TO ALL MY BLOG BLM's!!!!!!!

I was so thankful for all your kind words, ecouragement, support and understanding!
It means so so so much to me to be able to share how I am feeling and then hear all your kind words! It means so much to read your thoughts on your own blogs, it's nice to know people understand!!
I just want to make sure you all know how grateful I am for all your thoughtfulness!!
I'm sorry for all of our losses, but thankful we can sound off to each other!!
Thank you again with all my heart!!

Is it a "stage"??

So, I've been told about, I've read about, I thought I'd experienced it,but here I am again....ANGER!!

I know its part of the grieving process, but I thought I went through anger already! How am I here again! No, I take it back, I am there again, but wow, so much more intense!

I'm angry, (thats the kindest way I can put it, angry!) I am so very very angry, angry at EVERYTHING! I will put it in order:

I'm angry that my baby girl isn't alive, she isn't having her first anything...she is in a tiny urn sitting next to my bed! How is that fair?! She should be in our arms, she should be showered with hugs and kisses and all sorts of attention! But there she lies, in that lil urn...She should be alive, she should be breathing, laughing, smiling, crying.....

I'm angry that I feel like my husband and I are the only ones that remember her! Ok, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, you remember her! TALK ABOUT HER!!!! She is all I think about!! EVERY second of every day she is on my mind! Yes, you are afraid to make me sad so you don't breathe her name, but I am already sad! YOU wont make it worse by talking about her! Yes, its nearly been 9 months, but it was like yesterday to me! You not mentioning her doesn't mean I am not thinking about her, because I am, CONSTANTLY!!!

I'm angry at life, its not fair, its not just! We tried for so long to get pregnant, then we got pregnant and we were thrilled with every second we had with Sadie, then she was taken away from us! HOW IS THIS FAIR!??? Yet others just breath in and POOF pregnant, POOF baby crying in their arms! HOW IS THIS FAIR??? What have we done???

I'm angry, angry as angry can be....

I guess grief isn't really a process, its a wheel!! We come back to certain spots, just because we have experienced it before doesn't mean we wont again I guess!!

Sorry for my negativity, but maybe you understand, or not?!?!?!?!?

Blog hop #2

This month, I have to say, I truly feel more hopeful! I don't even have to think about it, I DO FEEL HOPEFUL!

We recently met with two woman whom became a HUGE part of my life that 10th day of July! I will NEVER forget these two woman and all they have done for me. They have helped me in ways I can never express.
I got to meet with them both a few days ago, and it was such an amazing time. I haven't seen them both since the week I left the hospital, but we've been in touch! To see them again, to give them huge hugs, to talk with them, to cry with them, it was a huge point in this process of grief! They gave me hope....hope that maybe one day I will see a rainbow!   You see for a time, I wasn't sure if I'd ever get to see a rainbow for myself.

I've longed for, in fact prayed for the chance to see a rainbow...and now I know I have the hope that I just may in fact see MY rainbow!!

I know its just a little thing, and I am hoping its not all for not!

Even if my hope is dangling on a string in front of me, its there right?  And for that I am grateful!

Now I guess we just wait and see....will I see MY rainbow??!?!!?!?!?!??!  Time will tell!

Your Thoughts Please!!

So, I had a most beautiful video made by Malory at Every Life Has a Story. I have shared it with my friends in blog world, but have been hesitant to share it with my real life family and friends!

Well, there were a few times I felt ready to share it, but something always came up (surprise anniversary parties, new pregnancies, etc etc etc) and I didn't want to ruin their moments by making people sad!

I want so badly for everyone to know our baby! I think people forget she was real, she was alive, she is a HUGE part of my every second of every day! I want people to know her story! She was born in another state then we live, so not many people got to come to the hospital, and of the ones who came to the hospital, most didn't get to see her. She is my baby, I am so proud of her, I am so sad for her, I want to share her with everyone.

I'm just not sure how my real life friends will take it! So...what do you think?!?!?! Should I share the video via an e-mail attachment, or should I not? What do you think????

"Time heals......."

"time heals" we've all heard it many times, I am sure.

I've been thinking about that statement lately..."time heals"

Today my Sadie would be 8 months old! 8 MONTHS!! WOW! I can't believe it has been 8 months since we last held her in our arms, since we last toughed her cheeks, held her hands, since we were last together as a family!

While I agree, I do not feel that enormous black cloud hanging over me, I am not "healed" by any means! My heart is still broken and aching from not having our baby in our warm embrace! My thoughts are constantly of her! Every baby that passes by.... Every pregnant woman I come across.... Every everything, my thoughts are of Sadie!

So then I ask "time heals"...WHAT? It certainly has not healed me.

I have come to conclude the only thing time heals is other peoples memory of what happened, their memory of what we lost, their memory that for me, time does not heal! Time does not heal the baby-less mother and father. Time does not heal that!

So please don't act like time has healed me. Don't be fooled by my smile, or my momentary display of happiness, don't be mislead if I act like I am ok, don't let my act of getting through the day let you think time has healed me! BECAUSE IT HAS NOT!!

Please don't forget!! Don't act like nothing happened! I haven't!!! And inside my body and my head, in the privacy of my room, I AM NOT HEALED! I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN ONE SINGLE BIT! Don't let me fool you.......

Hope...

"What has brought me hope lately???"

Well, as my post before this one shows, I felt content, even though it was so brief, I still felt it.

I have hope I will feel it again!
After our vaca, I have hope we are going to be ok.
I have hope I will see my baby again, I will hold her and wont let her go.

My husband has been amazing part of my hope. He gives me such hope I can almost feel it! He is so encouraging and supportive and patient!

I was once told a very long time ago that hope takes 2 things~ desire and expectation! Well I have both, so now I wait....

A foreign feeling...

It happened this past week while on vaca with my husband and in-laws. 

You see, I was sitting on my balcony, looking out over the turquoise ocean in a country that I truly love to be!  It was warm, the sun was shining, palm trees were swaying, and the waves were rocking.  I had this really weird feeling come over me, and as I sat contemplating what it could possibly be, it hit me!  I felt contentment!!!!  It felt so strange you see because I truly have not felt it in over seven months!  Content!  Wow!  I was content!  And then, the minute I realized what it was, instantly I felt pain in my arms, pain in my c-section scar area, pain in my heart....There it was and so quickly there it went! 

Contentment!  I felt it, it was over seven months since I had felt it, but there it was!  I hope I will feel it again sometime soon.....